Creature of the Light

I woke up before sunrise this morning. It isn't hard to do this time of year, but it never used to happen. I've always been a creature of the light. I went to Burning Man a decade or so ago and, if you've never been, it is super hot during the day so most of the activity happens at night, I was out of my element. I would wake up with the sun, just as everyone else was going to bed; I would need to go to sleep just as everyone else was getting going. I loved the art but I missed a lot of the social element and the fire shows because I could not break my connection to daylight.

So generally this time of year, I am hibernating; I am struggling to get out of bed by 8:30 and stagger into work by 9:30. (Thank goodness for the summer months when I wake up by 5:30 and am working by 7.) My vitamin D levels were bottomed out last January at an all time low of 7.5. If you've never had yours measured, recommended levels are between 40 and 60. My doctor told me she had never ever seen anyone with levels as low as mine and she immediately put me on 10,000 ug twice a day. 

I say all this because although we talk about all the vitamins that are packed into the MF packets, we may not actually be aware of what that means. And what it will mean when we aren't ingesting 5 of them a day. It isn't just about calories and carbohydrates and protein. A healthy diet is so much more than that. I am not currently taking any vitamin supplements. And I am awake before the sun most days. Like 2 hours before the sun. It could be ketosis, or it could be that my body is getting all its vitamins and minerals such that my body isn't having to hibernate. We credit a lot of what we experience on ketosis, but what if it is more simple than that? What if it is that we are finally getting our recommended amounts of vitamins and minerals AND calories and protein and carbohydrates? 

I am many many moons from T&M, but lemme tell you, there's a lot of challenge in those phases.  I am going to start connecting to my body now. And really listening to what it has to say. Because, as hard as 5&1 may be, the next two phases are no sludge walk.

Happy Boxing Day

Who knows where the term actually came from, but, for me today, it means boxing up all the clothes that no longer fit and taking them to the Goodwill down the road. :) There are tons of pretty outfits that someone might want to use for their New Year's Eve party and I would rather they be used than for them to sit in my closet another holiday.

We got some sludge for the holiday. I have boxed that up as well and taking it to my sister's house. It isn't much so it isn't going to effect any of them too much. It just isn't part of my life right now. So, I will take to where it will be appreciated almost as well as the legos I have wrapped for my nephews. 

Similarly, I am boxing up all my old mental images of myself. I don't need them anymore and they are weighing me down. It was even keeping me from applying for a job that I really really want. I want to go and do. I know that this is my time. Those old images don't belong here. My image changes every day. And people are noticing. Time for me to notice, too.

On that note, my husband and I finally made good on the family's requests for a current picture of the two of us. We had a friend take us out to various locations around our neighborhood and she shot tons of photos (I love the digital age). I then narrowed it down to 10 or so and let my husband pick the one he liked best. Everyone has loved the picture we have given them. And everyone seems genuinely thankful that this is what we chose to give. 

Just a little extra packing tape on the box of mental images I don't need anymore.

Happy Solstice

This is my favorite time of year. As dark as it is most days, the light is returning and I love the light. I should love the summer - because the days are actually longer, but for some reason watching the days get shorter is harder than having them actually BE shorter.

My MF journey is like that. I love myself more as I am losing weight than I did when I was actually a couple of pounds lighter 5 years ago. Because the scale was moving in the other direction. It didn't matter how many points I counted, or how much activity I did, the scale was always moving in the wrong direction. I felt so out of control. So hopeless. I eventually stopped counting points, and then the scale really started moving in the wrong direction. 

I had no idea how to evaluate the nutritional make up of my caloric intake and why what I was doing wasn't effective. I probably had a lot of carbohydrates in those meals. Even in the vegetables and fruits I was choosing. And, I kept trying to work on the mental and emotional baggage that came with my obesity but I never ever felt like there was hope that I could be anything BUT obese. A very dark period indeed, even though I weighed less then than I do now.

Today, as I walked around the mall and across streets and through tides of people, I was extremely happy. My feet weren't protesting any more. I could feel my clothes as they moved with me losing contact with my body entirely with certain steps - not attached or constricting any more. Soon, I will be unpacking those clothes I wore at previous weights. Because I am revisiting those weights - in the other direction. And, as I grow out of my current sizes, I will be giving them away. I now know that a) I can get to goal and b) when I do, I will then learn the combination of foods that is my own personal nutritional perfect combination so that I can stay happy. The days are getting brighter all the time.

Two months after the end of an era

Today is officially the last day of my second month on the 5&1 plan. I've dropped 30 pounds which is more than 10% of my starting weight. I've gone from Class III to Class II Obese. I have gone from size 22-24 to a solid 20 (top and bottom). My wedding rings fit and I wear them every day. I used to have to remind myself to stand up straight, but now I discover that I am doing it already when I go to remind myself. I've had to adjust my sleep number 3 times - because I weigh enough less that it makes a difference. I sleep a shorter duration but with fewer interruptions every night. I haven't experienced terrible insomnia (where I'd only get an hour or so of sleep) since starting the 5&1. My cramps during TOM are manageable where they used to be debilitating. The list goes on and on and on.

The most important NSV is that I am confident that I will get to goal. AND that because I am confident that I will get to goal, I am willing to accept that there are certain things that are out of my future forever. Some people will be able to go back to eating a little of everything in moderation. I don't believe that I will be one of those people. My body has too many fat cells that have been plumped up and duplicated too many times for that. But I am ok with that knowledge now. It isn't demoralizing. And, it isn't demoralizing because I believe that I will get to goal. I recognize that it will probably be another 10 months, but I WILL GET TO GOAL. Goal isn't a dream. It is a reality. Because, this plan is rewarding in its results. And, because I will have gotten there, I won't want to lose that progress. 

I have a lot of time to keep working on the mental aspects. BUT, I am so excited that this is working and doing it consistently. I really needed that.

For me, today isn't the end of the world, or even an era. That happened two months ago when I started MF.

Was it a Tie or did I Win?

Yesterday, I posted to my group that I was feeling pretty good. "My resolve to stay on plan has held steady. I am so confident that I have even agreed to go to my sisters' on Sunday for our family holiday brunch. I originally told them I wouldn't be coming because I didn't think I could face the off-plan foods, but I've done really well in the face of off plan foods recently and think I'll be fine."

That was the morning. Then TOM arrived and my inner brat started whining and crying, whimpering and pleading, whispering and urging. She looked at my MF cupboard and wanted marshmallows in the Hot Cocoa and wanted bread to go with the soups. She wanted a Pint of REAL ice cream and she wanted a couple of shots to go with my pills for the pain. She wanted a burger with all the fixin's. She was hungry and wanted to EAT.

It SUUUUUUUUUCKED!

I ate my MF cereal crunch - hoping that would satisfy the junk food craving. Then a few hours later, I had some Chicken noodle soup, hoping the bottomless aspect of it would appease the need to eat and eat and eat. My L&G was the hardest - DH and I had planned to eat out of the fridge because I had cooked slightly too much for 3 meals this week, and there were left-overs (in perfect lean portions) that needed to be consumed; I would just need to cobble together a green. BUT our dear friends called and asked if we could meet them for dinner. I told him I couldn't go, the cramps were too much, but he should go and represent us. I had a big cup of mint tea and turned on some sappy Hallmark movies and played solitaire. I ate my left over lean and just didn't have the energy to fix my green. 

I didn't do it. It is the first time since I started almost 2 months ago that I haven't gotten all my required elements in. I told myself I'd make a salad "later". But I never did get around to it. I was going to add veggies to some MF eggs for an omelet/scramble, but I didn't do that either. I texted my husband and asked him to go to our favorite restaurant and get me some roasted broccoli to go. He said he would if I'd call ahead and order it. So I called and they said they didn't do ToGo orders. WHAT?!?! Oh well. My friends offered to go with him and get a table and order the broccoli and then say, "Oops plans changed, can we get that to go?" But we figured it would take an hour or more on a busy Saturday. That plan was scrapped.

So, no green yesterday. No off plan foods, either. The inner brat won one battle, but I won the others. Does that mean I won the war?

Milestones

Today is my 7th wedding anniversary.

I always feel the need to explain that it hasn't just been 7 years, because we met 29 years ago. 27 years ago, we had our first date. And stayed together for 6 years. But we were young and stupid and took what we had for granted so we broke up, went our separate ways, and married other people. Those marriages eventually broke up, and 10 years ago, our mothers suggested we see one another again. We did and it was so easy to recognize what we had together.

Apparently, I am the kind of person who has to lose what I had to recognize its value. 

Kind of like my health. I was so wrapped up in being "loved for who I am" that I let myself make choices that took me away from me. And suddenly, I didn't love who I am. I couldn't walk places without getting winded, I mean blocks not miles. Taking the stairs was no longer an option. Flying a plane was an exercise in humiliation for not fitting in the seat belt without seriously feeling like I was being cut in half. I judged myself harshly every day. I had lost my health and I missed it terribly.

Today, I have officially lost 10% of my original weight. And I feel positive again. I fit in my clothes. I walk with good posture again. I enjoy walking to do my errands and don't feel inclined to look for parking. I know that I still have around 100 lbs to lose - but I am confident that it will go away. MediFast has given me that confidence. And, I am betting I will keep it gone because once I find something good (and have already lost it once) I know how to hold onto it for a lifetime. And I want a lifetime of healthy living with my husband. We both deserve that.

Motivation or Information?

I am a daily weigher, food logger, water logger, etc. Every so often I see people who are posting about how they are putting their scale in the shed, or pulling the batteries. I get that. If you are someone who looks at the scale that doesn't move and thinks "But I Did Everything Right."

So much of this time on the 5&1 is about reframing. Reframing what portion sizes are. Reframing our ultimate goal. Reframing what healthy tastes like. Reframing what healthy feels like. Reframing what success looks like. And reframing how we respond to outside inputs.

Now, I am a math person and a science person. I have a bachelors in Biochemistry and a Masters in Business. I love data. But see, data is never a straight line, or even an regular curve. Any good actuary will tell you it is about making the best curve/line out of the data you get. For me, I know that my losses are completely affected by where I am in my hormone cycle. I lose slightly during days 1-5, hold steady for days 6-13 (maybe lose a little), have steep drops days 14-21, and may do some yo-yo'ing days 22-28. I wouldn't know this if I didn't weigh every day. Over multiple weight loss (and non-weight loss) plans. 

So for me, the scale doesn't motivate or demotivate. It just provides information that either proves or disproves my theory. It is all about the general trajectory. It's a scatter plot, for sure, and it is generally headed in the direction I want to go. And, I can certainly affect whether it continues to follow this trajectory - with my 5&1 choices. And it definitely makes staying on plan more attractive.

Ultimately, my goal is to be in tune with my body. What it needs and what makes it feel healthy. Consistency while I figure it out - based on the data - is super important.

What's your pattern? Do you know? 

Tis the Season

Last night my husband and I decided to walk home from a dinner with my mom. At one point, my husband was venting with vehemence about something so much that I thought he deserved for me to look at him and not where I was going and WHAM. I stepped on an uneven bit of the sidewalk, my ankle gave out, and I landed hard on my knee and the cement. He had really wanted to stop for frozen yogurt before I tripped and I had said that was fine with me. After my tumble, he wanted to head straight home, but I thought it might be less likely to stiffen up if we walked a bit. So we went ahead and slowly, watching where we were going, walked to the shop. He picked out his flavors and we walked slowly and carefully home.

I got home and discovered that my knee was all scraped up like a little kid's. I took a picture and posted it to Facebook and got some lovely comments about how it is good I didn't break a hip. ;) I love my friends.

Then this morning he called me as he was getting on his last bus to work (he takes one and transfers to another) to say that he had taken both sets of keys with him to work. Both (and only) sets of house keys. Both (and only) sets of car keys. Fantastic. My husband is more than an hour and two buses away from home with both sets of keys and I am home with a knee that is scraped up and now totally swollen.

I get up and weigh in - biting my tongue, hoping that my swollen knee hasn't ruined my progress. Whew. down another half a pound. And get on the computer to map out my new commute plans. 

My husband calls. One of our dear friends has seen his, "Can you believe what I did?" post on Facebook and has offered to get the keys from him and bring them to me. And, because she has seen my post about my knee, she's gonna bring them right to my door. 

Supporting one another, in whatever form it takes, is what we are here for. 

So, I am thankful for the fact that I have lost enough weight that my pants are loose and won't irritate my knee. I am thankful that I can walk with my husband into a trigger shop and not be tempted even after an emotional dinner AND a physical accident. And that it didn't even occur to me to be tempted because it isn't on plan. I am thankful that I have friends who can help us when we need it and laugh with us when things go weirdly wrong. 

History in the Making

No matter where you fall on the divide between should pot be legal or shouldn't it, it became legal yesterday in Washington State. I'm not a user and I grew up in Alaska when it was legal to own it, grow it and use it - you just couldn't sell it; so I didn't consider it too big a deal. But let me tell you what was a big deal. Nope not all the pictures of weed. Not all the pictures of paraphernalia to use it. Not all the jokes. Not the pictures of smoke. But the munchies stuff... THAT was unexpected.

Sludge, sludge everywhere. Billboards on movie houses toting all the usuals - under the markee, "Got the Munchies? We've got Pi". Clever? yes. Disturbing to the person working on staying on plan? YES. Pictures of wrappers. Pictures of half eaten this or that.

And, I realized: this culture is even more food focused than I ever realized. Pot is legal in the Netherlands, but it isn't like there are junk food billboards all over Amsterdam. What is it about our American culture that is so junk food crazy?

What will this new legalization do to our collective waistlines? Will it become a tacit approval to eat and eat and eat? I don't blame the pot. I blame our collective reaction to using it. Our culture struggles with excess. I know, from my graduate studies, that it is one of our cultural patterns. It comes from the "expansion west" - the exploration of new territories. But I wonder, when will we realize constant expansion is unhealthy?

I know I am preaching to the choir, on Medifast, where everyone has made the decision to stop their personal expansions and deal with their lack of control and tendency to exploit excess. And, I realize that we have such a bigger struggle than just our personal journeys. That we will have to fight our cultural norms. Every day. For the rest of our lives. 

Perhaps, each of us will become a voice for change. A voice for moderation. A voice for realistic consumption. We will become leaders by example.

Think about it. We, without realizing it, have signed up to be cultural Change Agents. 

Shoulda Put a Ring On It

A couple of months ago my husband and I were out to breakfast. We were meeting our friends in celebration - it was her last breakfast before starting MediFast. (she started a month before I did, she is such a great influence!) I had decided to try out a new nail polish color and it was quite dark. While we were waiting for our friends to show up, my husband caught a glimpse and grabbed a quick picture and posted to Facebook: "Pretty dark new nail polish for my wife. Perhaps her inner GOTH CHICK is slipping out."

When we got home, one of my friends had commented: "If you like it, you should put a ring on it."

I quipped back, "He did. I just forget a lot and leave them at home." But the truth is, I didn't forget. My fingers were just too damn fat for my rings to fit anymore. 

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a blog titled, "NSV I look forward to" A bunch of lovely people commented that it will happen - and then my rings will fall off when I lose even more weight.

I am pleased to say, TODAY IS THE DAY! My rings are back on my fingers. Both of them. Gotta keep drinking my water because I can't afford any excess water weight while I am wearing them, but that's ok! I am WEARING MY WEDDING RINGS

!

Downgrading from Murder

Whoo HOO! I just went from Class III Obese to Class II Obese.

When I started thinking about this yesterday (when I first realized that I was near a milestone) I wondered if it really mattered. I mean, I am still fat. I still come with the following warning: "If you have a BMI of 35-39 your risk of weight-related health problems and even death, is severe." But, I no longer come with THIS warning: "With a BMI of 40+ you have an extremely high risk of weight-related disease and premature death. Indeed, you may have already been suffering from a weight-related condition."

And, I know that I am making progress. I wondered if I would even tell the people I love about it. And then I thought of one of my husband and my favorite quotes from The Tourist with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie:
Italian policeman 2: You wish to report a murder.
Frank Taylor: Attempted murder.
Italian policeman 2: That's not so serious.
Frank Taylor: Not when you downgrade it from murder. But when you upgrade it from room service, it's quite serious.

It is all about perspective. If I were someone who had only ever been simply overweight or even healthy, this downgrade might seem like a drop in the bucket. But as someone who started this journey with a BMI of 43.7 - well into the Obese class III zone, this is so gratifying. I am definitely headed in the right direction. I have just downgraded from murdering my self.

Transparency

Each day, I find it more important to tell people that I am losing weight. I find myself bursting with the need to be present and include my circle in my journey. I know that there is something very satisfying about people noticing on their own - the physical changes, but the internal journey is what will keep me from doing this again.

So, I share the whys. 

I am tired of that initial look that passes through their eyes/over their faces when I struggle to do something. 

When we get to our apartment building, I often choose the elevator, because I hate huffing and puffing my way up the stairs. My friends ride the elevator with me, but I can tell that there is some question about my choice. It is only three and a half flights, why wouldn't I just walk (or run) up them? It is so much more expedient. 

I don't get excited about activities that would require us to walk all over town. Even though I live in the heart of the neighborhood and EVERYTHING is within 4 blocks and I have a bunch of friends who live within 10 blocks of me and my sister and her family lives 12 blocks away, I CHOOSE to drive to their houses. I drive to the store and the library and and and. I could walk there, but it just seemed so exhausting. And, the thing I tell people I love best about where we live is how walkable it is. How laughable is that?

I am tired of the pity because I am so unhealthy.

Last year, I gathered my troops and got them to all commit to do the Ski to Sea with me (a relay race that involves a leg each of downhill skiing, cross country skiing, running, road biking, mountain biking, canoeing, and kayaking). We did it. I did the running portion but had to walk most of it. Not one of us was the slowest in our leg. (how cool is that?), but I never did get into good enough shape so that I could actually run it. I crossed an item off my bucket list but just barely. My friends did it because it was fun, but mostly they did it in support of helping me become more active and healthy.

My mother in law gets so disappointed when I walk in the room. We see each other every month or so and she is worried about my weight. She wants me to be healthy and knows that my excess weight is not indicative of good things. She knows my mother is over 300 lbs and doesn't want me to follow in her footsteps.

My grandmother worries about each of us and our health. She does not want to outlive any of us. So, she worries when my dad has heart problems and worries when I am overweight. So far, my doctor continues to tell me that my blood work indicates I am still in the normal range of everything, but each checkup, I move closer and closer to the "unhealthy" edge. Except my eye doctor. My recent adoption of kale into our diet has moved my macular degeneration numbers a whole point in the healthy direction! Whoo hoo! I am a kale junkie now.

So, I am telling them how these judgments make me feel and how, even though they never say anything, I know they are worried for me. I tell them that I am not unaware and that I am doing something about it now. So, when I go to Thanksgiving dinner and don't taste each dish, they understand and support me. When I say I am worried about the temptations about a party and that I have done so much work to lose this weight and that I don't want to jeopardize it, they say we can just make it a Healthy Party. When I say I am worried about the people who want to second-guess my choices, they offer support and alternative messaging. Each time they see me eating MF food and not something from the buffet table, they recognize my resolve and LITERALLY pat me on the back. Each time I say I won't be drinking alcohol for at least a year, (ok, first they cringe but) they applaud me for my dedication. When I bypass the elevator and choose to huff and puff up the stairs, their eyes light up and they take it at my pace. When I show up at their house carless, they make sure not to load me down with stuff for my trip home and offer me a glass of water. When my parents called to ask what I wanted for Christmas and I said, write a check to my gym, they said, "gladly".

It might appear that all these whys are for someone else, not me. And, that isn't completely invalid. But really, it is about my self-esteem. It is about being a complete participator in my life. It is about valuing rather than devaluing my health and well-being. And it is about honesty. Being honest with myself and true to my needs. And, it is about rallying my troops. This is an even bigger bucket list item than the Ski-to-Sea. This is about how long I have to develop that list.

I got to play dress up today

Last New Years, my resolution was to only keep clothes in my closet that actually fit; it was a struggle every morning to stay positive as I looked at all these clothes that I loved but couldn't get into. (My other resolution was to get healthy in 2012, but that took longer to start manifesting.) So, I went to the box store and bought a bunch of totes. I packed away all my clothes by size. The size 14s and 16s and 18s and *gasp* 20s all got their own totes, labeled and dutifully sealed for that day when my other resolution actually came to pass.

I bought this super cool tote that was like a hanging closet for my lovely jackets and suits. Unfortunately, it couldn't bear the weight of those jackets and suits and I came home the next day (before I could cart everything to the storage unit) to a pile of tote, jackets, suits, and dresses. *sigh* I would have to keep them in my closet, after all. That has kind of been annoying. As I prepped for event after event, I would mournfully look at those lovely outfits and know I still had nothing to wear.

Today, I put on my trusty black pants. Those pants that were on the tight side the week before I started MF. (Ok, they were super tight - that tight that means when I sat down the zipper unzipped.) Those pants are now baggy. The waist is loose. I double checked in the full length mirror that is my closet door - yep, there are FOLDS hanging off my but! WHAT?!?!?!? When did that happen? I just took my measurements yesterday, I haven't lost but an inch in that area! Did the measuring tape lie? 

Tentatively, I took out my lovely spring green jacket - the one I was so sad to not get to wear at Easter and the Spring Luncheon because I couldn't button the buttons. I pulled it on and... IT FIT! Ok, it pulled a tad at the breasts, but I could button it and WEAR IT IN PUBLIC if I wanted to.Whoa! I took that measurement too, yesterday and have only lost a half inch there. 

I AM GOING TO GET TO WEAR SOME GREAT STUFF FOR THE HOLIDAY PARTIES!!!! 

I am going to get to pull some boxes out of storage before our trip in January!

And, I think I need to mark my measurement locations on my body with a sharpie, because I don't think I'm doing it right. I joked about this with my husband last night, but I just might be serious, now.

Looks like we made it....

If this sounds like the a Barry Manilow song, that is no coincidence.

Yesterday was harder than I expected it to be. I skipped the family Thanksgiving and opted for the Orphans Thanksgiving with some friends. So, I missed the emotional roller coaster of fun. My husband was super supportive and told the family that he was really pleased and supportive of my choice. I gathered my troups and we walked the Turkey Trot and then I blithely made my green bean casserole - MF style and headed over to the host house. 

So much good looking food at our 2 o'clock dinner, and none of it OP except my green bean casserole and the turkey. I felt a little bad because I couldn't partake in the roasted veggies (that were carrots, parsnips, potatoes, garlic, and something else off program), nor the salad that was reportedly a lovely finely chopped brussles sprout, pecorino cheese and small amount of nuts, and certainly not the gravy, stuffing or cranberry chutney OR cranberry sauce. But I was feeling super good when everyone else was complaining about being so full and I was pleasantly satisfied. That was ok. 

It was the next 8 hours that were the struggle. The pies and tiramisu at 4:30; I had my (chocolate mint soft serve) decaf peppermint mocha. The constant snacking on said pies until I gave in at 6:30 and made my brownie with 1 teaspoon of the freshly whipped cream. Then the next round of snacking on the chips and hors d'ouvres while we played board games... I broke out my nacho chili cheese puffs at 8:30. And for the first time on program, I had gone through all my MF food and it wasn't even 9:00! And I was still struggling to not snack like the rest of them! 

I am super super proud that I stayed on program ALL day, but it was certainly not as easy as I had hoped it would be. I drank lots of water and cups of mint tea but it was just not easy to be there while everyone ate and ate and ate. None of them ate copious quantities, but everyone ate little bits of something every half hour or so - a sliver of pie, another ounce of turkey, a forkful of stuffing, a tablespoon of tiramisu, a couple of pita chips, some cheese, a small plate of salad... I finally had to tell my husband that he had to stop eating. I couldn't continue to sit next to him if he kept snacking and eating. 

And, at the end of the evening I broke out my bag of goodies - the bag of food I had cleaned out of my cupboard of foods I can't eat on program - and everyone took a little something; rice noodles to the gluten free friend; nuts to the cyclist; chocolate to the runner; homemade granola to the naturally skinny guy; popcorn to the newly hired accountant working 90 hours a week. I came home with my bag empty and my heart full but boy was I craving a little something something. 

Thank goodness for the 1/2 c of cottage cheese I had in the fridge and thank goodness for the 5k that meant that was on plan!

Oh and the Barry Manilow reference? Every time we didn't pay attention to my friend's music player, it would pop up a Barry Manilow song - we heard Mandy and, Looks Like We Made It and, Can't Smile Without You, and Even Now... It cracked us up - she has over 3000 songs and all her random generator could find were Barry Manilow songs. 

Thanksgiving - bounty and joy

Today is Thanksgiving. A day when we all give thanks for all that we have.

In general, Thanksgiving is a terrible holiday for me. Really really bad things have happened on this holiday and it is generally one I "get through". In Seattle, Thanksgiving is generally started or met with a big storm: lots of wind, lots of precipitation; this year we didn't get snow, but often we do. So, I have spent many a Thanksgiving in the dark, cooking a turkey on the barbecue, and sides on the camp stove, and wood stove. One year, my parents decided to take Thanksgiving as the opportunity to tell the family that they were getting a divorce. The following year they were in court. Two years, I have been in the ER and once with my grandmother. All four years of college, I struggled with planes to get to family for Thanksgiving and more often than not, the flight was canceled due to mechanical failure. One year my ex-husband followed (unknowingly) my parents example, and announced that we were getting divorced - much to my surprise. The following year, our court date was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Twice I have been laid off the Wednesday before. And twice I have lost very beloved pets. I am 43 - that's a high percentage of Thanksgivings that have been ruined in one way or another with sadness and misery. 

This year, I am thankful and happy to report that the day has dawned bright and clear. It is the second year that I will be participating in the Turkey Trot and I think I have begun a very joyful tradition. I have even managed to rope 4 friends into joining me! 4 of us will be strolling and one will be running - we will meet her at the finish line. :)

Too, I am avoiding the family drama - no reason to stress myself out with questions about MF and if it is "good"; no reason to deal with the overwhelming personalities and pool of old arguments, I am tossing my husband in as our representative, but he handles it better. I am staying away. I have been invited to participate in Thanksgiving with our friends and am overjoyed that they are embracing and supportive of my need to be lean and green. Another couple is coming and she is gluten free so we will all have a our dietary delights to share. :)

But mostly I am thankful that I work at a non-profit that truly serves the families in my community. This past month we have been collecting food and organizing it so that this past Saturday, our families could come and do their Thanksgiving shopping. 24 families took home two bags of food, a turkey, spices, and a gift card to their preferred grocery store so that they could purchase fresh veggies or whatever. Unfortunately, I missed one application and 1 family came to pick up their food and we didn't have any for her. My heart broke on Monday. She didn't cry, but I could tell it was a struggle. I sent her away with a gift card - but felt so very terribly inadequate. I am super excited to report that I was able to call her yesterday and let her know we had collected more for her. She left with her bags of food and TWO turkeys! She shared that she had food stamps but that they were supposed to last through mid-December and she hadn't wanted to have to "blow" it on a Thanksgiving dinner; so she was overjoyed to know that they had both Thanksgiving AND Christmas meals taken care of, now. She gave me the biggest hug. And I am reminded that THIS is what Thanksgiving is all about. 

Thanksgiving is about being thankful and being generous with our community. It is about focusing on what we can do and what we have been able to do. The Turkey Trot benefits the food bank - and I added a donation equivalent to the number of pounds I have lost. I love my family and so much more from afar. I love and am thankful for the support of my husband who will be my shield and my representative today. And I love and appreciate this MF community with your wealth of ideas and support!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Nonscale victory I look forward to

I want to wear my wedding rings again.

I had to stop wearing them because my fingers just got too fat and some days the rings would make my finger swell up like I'd put a tourniquet around it. So, I put them aside. Every couple of days since I started MF, I try again. And if they get stuck just beyond the knuckle, I stop. It makes me sad. Super sad. So, I drink more water and I watch the scale go down. And still, my rings don't fit. 

I've slowly watched the indentation in my finger fade. It hardly looks like I ever wore a wedding ring. I've always had a ring to wear on that finger, even before I was married, I used to wear dinner rings there. None of them fit any more. And the indent that used to be natural after the knuckle is gone. 

So, while I am super excited to not experience a migraine and super excited to not have cramps that cause me to miss work (both attributable to the higher protein diet of MF), these are not the NSV I long for. 

I know that if I stick to this plan, my rings will fit again. And I know that if I stick to this plan, they will eventually have to be resized down. But for now, all I want is to be able to wear them again. Especially for the holidays...

The MF Community

A couple of days ago, there was a posting on the discussion boards about "being on medifast for 5 months (or was it weeks? I forget) and not losing a pound - what am I doing wrong?"

The first few posters were all about support: "Have you talked to your doctor?" "Have you talked to MF?" "Have you diligently been recording what you put in and what you put out?" etc.

And then came the nay-sayers. The people who, like me, had gone researching the poster and their responses: "You just created your profile." "You aren't real." "You are hurting the people who are honestly trying." "You are a troll."

Yet still there were people interspersed who wanted to offer comfort or solutions.

I didn't post on that thread, but what I wanted to post was, "THANK GOD there are so many people with heart and brains. Those who are empathetic and caring about the individuals. AND those who are pragmatic and thoughtful and protective of the process."

I love that about this community. It takes all kinds to get us to goal and for every time I want to shake someone or ignore them - two more people step up and offer a word of encouragement or a alternative solution for the next time.I am an excellent spin doctor - in the very best way. I am cursed with being able to look at things from multiple points of view, which is why so many games are easy and so many diets end up being frustrating. But this ability is helpful when I find myself frustrated. Sometimes I don't like the other point of view, nor do I understand it, but that doesn't mean I can't see it.

I am just shy of one month into MF and I hope every day that I can keep my blinders on and just do the program. This isn't WW: counting carbohydrates and calories and fat and protein is a slippery slope. This isn't the Miracle Diet: balancing carbohydrates and fiber isn't going to get me to goal. This isn't a cleanse: I can eat cooked food and raw food and protein and veggies. This is MF and they have given us very careful lists of veggies that are ok, proteins that are ok, fats that are ok, and packages of food to consume. It is time to trust in the program and not deviate. It isn't ok to look at a label and say, "it has the same carbohydrates and protein as X, which is on plan; so it is ok." Not all carbohydrates (or proteins or fats) are created equal.

I say this because now it is time for me to mindful of my mindset. At one month in, it is the typical time when I start to "game the system". Deviations, for me, are when I find ways to slip in the sabotage. No one is harder for me to say "no" to than myself. I think it is going to take becoming a super-convert. My tone on the blogs and discussion boards will be in this role. And I am super glad for the balance that everyone else will bring. 

In my MBA program we discussed being "Unconsciously Competent" and "Consciously Incompetent", with the goal, of course, to be consciously competent. It is important to be mindful of every choice including ones point of view.

What is your role? What is your point of view? How are you handling "the system"?

Rhythm and Temptation

I still haven't found the perfect daily pattern. I generally get up at the same time and eat within 30-40 minutes. I then get my next meal about 2.5-3 hours later. And then the cycle breaks all weird. Some days, I eat every 2 hours and some days I am clearly waiting too long.

So, yesterday I planned my day super carefully because I was going to a friend's house for a bread making party. Yes, a bread making party! Not only did she serve the bread she'd made in preparation for the party, but she sent us home with both dough AND a loaf. And she didn't just serve bread, but cheese and salami and olives. And my other friends brought wine...

And, I was good. Not a bite. Not a taste. Nada. I happily chomped on my Nacho Chili Cheese puffs and drank 6 glasses of water over the 4 hours. They all were so lovely and nice about it. 

So that was the temptation, back to the rhythm. In my preparation, I somehow did the math wrong. I ate MF at 8:15 am. Then at 11:30 am, then at 1:15 pm then at 3:45 pm and I was absolutely starving by the time I walked in the door at 6:15. I did eat my L&G dinner by 6:35, but it was super close. I should have pushed my 3rd and 4th meals back a little to adjust for travel time home. :( 

I think all that fighting temptation actually burned some energy because I was wiped out/exhausted by 8:30 pm. I could barely keep my eyes open and ended up not going out with my husband and friends to the neighborhood art walk nor did I go over for game night. Instead I crashed on the couch. 

Can fighting temptation really wear you out? Is it just me? Or is it that I haven't really settled into a rhythm yet - Eating each meal at a set time each day. I have got to start using my alarm more.

A couple of days ago, someone posted about the 2.5 hour alarm and living and reflecting upon what she'd done in the previous 2.5 hours and what she'd do in the next. I think I need to test that theory and see what results I get.

Re the temptation: My husband happily consumed the loaf I brought home and will enjoy the one I made from the dough. I will be happy to have it all gone!

And the scale went WHOOSH!

I am so bad at this process over progress thing. I really am. I want to be focused on being on plan: eating my 5 MF meals, drinking my water, measuring my protein, eating my greens. But six days of the scale not moving (it even went UP half a pound yesterday) were starting to try my patience. I posted to the discussion boards to verify that this was "normal" for week 3 yesterday. Thankfully, some lovely people responded with "YES". So, I went back to focusing on being on plan. I upped my fat a little (a couple slices of avocado and a handful of almonds), drank 20 more ounces of water and was rewarded this morning with a 2.5 loss! I am so goal oriented. I'm trying not to be but, damn it!

I can say that my pants are looser and my sweaters are starting to hang. But I thought I'd just stretched them out in the wash. 

Note to self: gotta start taking measurements.

(OK this is starting to sound more like a facebook post than a reflection journal. Time to do it right)

So, what have I learned from this? I need to stay focused on the process. It will work. It will result in positive reinforcement, it may not be immediate, but it will happen. Sometimes, being too frugal with the fats may not be the best answer. I don't want to eat tons of guacamole straight from a bowl, but a little fat that is full of fiber will be good once in a while.

Also, I need to focus more on the NSVs. I regret not taking my measurements when I started, but it isn't like I am done. I can take them today and still take note when they change. I can start taking weekly photos of myself in the same clothes. It is amazing to watch the changes week over week on the Biggest Loser (yes, I watched it for a couple of seasons from my couch continuing to do nothing). It isn't about start and finish, it is about progress - so I need to start focusing on the progress I am making. The scale is not and should not be my only measurement. Time to practice this part of the plan!

Also, there will be stalls. I have to be acknowledge my frustration and then change something up. If I deny my frustration, I won't be able to do anything more than swallow it - and really, that's gonna weigh almost as much as junk food on the scale.

Ok - let the Happy Dance Continue!

Choices, choices and a plan

Last night we went to a dinner theater. We love this particular production group and have been to a number of their shows, so when they came up for sale in early September, I rallied our friends and bought tickets. Six weeks later, two weeks before the show, I started MediFast.

There is no perfect time to start MediFast, there is always something coming up that could have been my excuse to put it off until that something had passed. But I was tired of waiting to focus on me. Tired of bursting out of one more "this is the *biggest* size I will ever purchase!" pants. Tired of not being comfortable on a plane. Tired of seeing my families' eyes when I walked through the door at holidays and was a little bigger than the last time they had seen me - that knowing look that they are worried about my health and my self-care, that I might be following in my mom's footsteps.

So, when the box arrived, I went ahead and started. I figured I would work around the Halloween Parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas and our trip to Vegas in January - I could make good choices for all of them. Five days in, my motivation friend (the one who got me here) asked me and my husband to join her and her husband at a bar - she said she'd feel stronger with another person on MF for support. When we both got through the evening making great choices AND having a good time, I knew I could handle anything. I had forgotten about our dinner theater tickets.

This particular production does dinner and cocktails in courses and in conjunction with the plot - it is a pris fixe meal, no choices. I could have skipped it, or sent someone else in my stead. But, I *love* these shows. I love the way the chef plays with food - and this was a Twin Peaks themed show. So much fun. 

So, I planned my day. I went to yoga in the morning, and planned my meals so that I had added a little extra green and lean throughout the day (added an ounce of turkey and a cup of spinach to Original Eggs for Lunch and Dinner). I ate my meals so that by the time the food started coming during the show (around 8:30), I would be neither hungry nor out of calorie/carb room. I sipped the first cocktail - then promptly redistributed it among my husband and friends. And drank a glass of water. I tasted the donut (mashed potato with chives baked to look like a plain donut - tasty, but not worth the carbs/calories) and then redistributed it to my husband. And drank a glass of water. I did drink my vodka collins w/ cucumber and seltzer water - yummy and refreshing. I ate the beef borscht - there were very few beets in it. And skipped the bloody mary. More water. I had planned on the salmon sausage to be my true "Lean" for the day, but when it came out, I tasted it but just couldn't swallow it. (too much like my mom's salmon loaf and I've had more than enough of that for my lifetime). I was kind of sad, but really glad I'd eaten the borscht. So - that got redistributed as well. And, more glasses of water. By this time, my friends were joking every time the lights came up that I'd be headed to the bathroom (they weren't wrong). I skipped the hot rum "tea" completely and the creme brule, but did eat the parsnip and apple "hashbrowns". 

And I really enjoyed the show.

I made it - and when I logged every bite and every sip into my meal log - I had only consumed 105 g of carbohydrates and had burned 1033 calories for the day!  We parked kind of far away and a couple of hills over - so there was walking to and from. My fitbit registered that I had climbed  the equivalent of 11 flights of stairs! This morning I was down 1.5 lbs.

In general, no one advocates going off program. But worse is feeling like you can't participate in something because you are restricted. I was restricted - before MF, I would have eaten and drank everything except the salmon sausages and probably agreed with my friends to go for pizza beforehand. (On WW, I would have probably eaten everything as well - but not done the pizza and would have tried to make it up later, probably why that system doesn't work for me.) But because I was restricted on MF, this time I could still participate and stay as on program as much as I could. And that is a fabulous victory!

I'd also like to say that it felt really good being honest with my friends. We talked before the show about being on MF and what that would mean for me but also why I was doing it and they were FABULOUSLY supportive. I knew they would be, but it feels so much better to have them express it. Being honest about my weight, discussing it in straight forward terms and how frustrating it had been at Yoga that morning and knowing they had been watching me lose control of my health was freeing. In only the way that someone who has gotten a divorce can understand. Those times when you tell your friends about why your life isn't working - that is a healthy and important step of the process.

Frustration! Exercise and Health

I went to my first exercise class this morning. It was Gentle Yoga (basic flexibility and balance improvement). I was the youngest person there by at least 20 years. I struggled with a number of the moves. I struggled with feeling out of breath. I struggled with the weight of my stomach as it obstructed my ability to LIE DOWN without feeling nauseous.

I know that the last 10 years have added a lot of weight. I can see it in the mirror. I had lost touch with how that weight and the last 10 years have effected my flexibility and stamina. 

I used to amaze my Personal Trainer with my range of motion and balance doing some of her hardest routines. She used to struggle to find ways to actually help me stretch before a workout - because I was so flexible that it felt like nothing. I used to amaze my sexual partners with the way we could play with my flexibility and torque and stamina. (TMI? Sorry!)

Now, I can't keep up with women and men 20 years my senior in a YOGA class. A class that is designed to have less impact than a Beginning Yoga class. 

I know this is the beginning and I know that the beginning will continue to be hard and frustrating. I also know that as I lose the weight and keep going to the classes that it will all come back and I will be able to move to the more difficult/higher impact classes and routines again. And, it is only day 12 on MF. But knowing and internalizing are completely different things.

One day at a time. I am trying to repeat that as my mantra. I am trying to focus on the SUCCESS of the fact I went to the class and did what I could do. On the success of each step. But this goal oriented person is struggling. A lot. I don't compare myself to other people. But it is super hard to not compare the me now to the me I used to be. 

So, here's what I will say: my FitBit registers that I have already walked over 3000 steps BEFORE noon. And, climbed 6 flights of stairs. I have done at least 30 minutes of yoga today. (and done 2 loads of laundry). Those are all good things. And, if a friend of mine were saying these things I would be cheering like crazy. Let's see what else I can do!

I've been thinking about goals

I've been thinking about goals and it seems to me that if my overall goal is to be healthy and active, perhaps my milestones should reflect that. Instead of having pounds lost be the measurement of my success, perhaps I need to set up goals that measure my activity.

So, since the experts say I shouldn't add activity in the first two weeks, perhaps I can focus on little things - like research and planning. I have been checking out what yoga classes are offered at my gym - and they have two that are labeled "Gentle Yoga" at times when I can make it. I think stretching and flexibility and balance would be an excellent first step toward being more active.

And, I am researching 5ks to do in the spring and summer. I know that I want to get walking, and then will do the C25k regimen (so that is 4 weeks to get comfortable walking and 8 weeks of the C25K plan - three months plus 1 more week). The earliest I can expect to do a 5 k would be March. Gotta look for some 5ks in the spring.

I also know that I would like to do another 1/2 marathon - perhaps the Seattle half that is on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, next year. The training plan for that is 16 weeks, so four months - which means I'd need to start that in June. And, I'd like to do the Kirkland 12 k's of Christmas with my friends - and dress up in funny costumes. If I've been on MF for a year and training for all these things, I think run/jogging in a costume would be a lovely way to celebrate. 

And HIKING - I used to love hiking. The one-ness with nature, the joys of the quiet and the serenity. I think I would like to do the Mt Pilchuck hike next summer. And, I'd love to do the Snow Mountain hike again.

I miss racing sailboats, too. The teamwork, the all body workout, the wind, elements, water, maximizing them all to our benefit... fantastic.

It is kind of like ordering that first box of Medifast meals and then having to wait for it to show up - this planning for adding activity. But perhaps, because I have to wait for it, it will be absolutely do-able and I will look forward to it. Because the first couple of weeks are going to be H A R D!

Hunh. Just like getting used to the taste of MF meals. This process over progress thing is kind of my biggest challenge. Can you tell?

Munchies, hunger, and a party

Yesterday, day 6, was hard. I was so hungry all day long. 5 minutes after an MF meal I would look at the clock to try to calculate when I could eat again. I had soups, and shakes, and my L&G and was still starving. I took a nap, and had one of my snacks and another shake. And then it was time for us to go to a Halloween party. It is one of our favorite parties, all our friends come out for it and it is super fun. But it is a potluck and most people do not bring healthy snacks. I knew I would be super challenged, so I looked at my husband and said, "Sorry hon, I know our costumes are a matched set, but I just don't think it would help me to go. It would be hard anyway, but on a day when I have the munchies - it would be Mission Impossible to stay on plan."

So, I stayed home. And had a salad, and a cup of tea, and eventually a brownie. I watched my beloved Giants win the third game, and Love Actually, and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and got texts from all our friends who were missing me. I got companionship without the challenge. 

My dear husband went and came back with lots of stories of people asking about me but understanding my situation - rooting for me, in fact. And, he also shared that going as a Romney supporter without me as a Woman in a Big Bird Trapper Keeper was not the same. lol. 

Some choices seem hard but end up being the best for you. 

What choices have you had to make that ended up being super good?

Working long after I planned to be home

One of the biggest challenges, for me, is ending up in a situation where I am hungry and don't have time to get a meal that is healthy. This past year, I have often ended up working hours longer than I was originally scheduled to work or ended up rushing from one place to the next and so got something fast to eat. Sometimes, I was lucky and I had healthy leftovers from the previous night's dinner, but often, I ended up in a drive through or encouraging my husband to go ahead and order pizza, I'd have some when I got home.

Today, as I was about to leave for work, I thought, "Just in case, why don't I grab a couple of extra MF meals? I don't want to end up starved or beyond my 3 hour time period." I ended up staying 2 hours later at work than I had thought when I left the house, but the only thing that happened as a result was that I was 20 minutes late for my my L&G meal. I was able to grab and eat my MF meals when I needed to, and didn't end up tempted to eat the oodles of candy, ice cream sandwiches, brownies, etc that the lovely volunteers brought in when it was time for me to eat. 

So many times I have been derailed by ending up in this situation before. I am so glad to have better choices now.

Fast and convenient has new meaning now. ;)

The Beginning

I start down this path and try to remember it is a process. If I focus too much on the progress, I might get discouraged. But if I keep reminding myself that each meal, each glass of water, each day is another step toward my goal and to focus on understanding the process, the progress will happen. And then...

I look in the mirror and remember who I used to be, what I used to look like, how much energy I used to have and say, "when I get to goal..." And then... 

I remind myself not to focus on what will be but what is. That I am starting to take care of myself again. That I am starting to focus on me again. That it is a chance for me to reconnect with my body. And then...

I take a few breaths and remember that it is a journey, not a goal. That the journey is when I will rediscover all the things I love about me. That the journey is when I will practice healthy habits. That the journey is an opportunity to give myself permission to be where I am. That the journey is the point. Each glass of water, each meal and each day is the point and the goal.