Creature of the Light

I woke up before sunrise this morning. It isn't hard to do this time of year, but it never used to happen. I've always been a creature of the light. I went to Burning Man a decade or so ago and, if you've never been, it is super hot during the day so most of the activity happens at night, I was out of my element. I would wake up with the sun, just as everyone else was going to bed; I would need to go to sleep just as everyone else was getting going. I loved the art but I missed a lot of the social element and the fire shows because I could not break my connection to daylight.

So generally this time of year, I am hibernating; I am struggling to get out of bed by 8:30 and stagger into work by 9:30. (Thank goodness for the summer months when I wake up by 5:30 and am working by 7.) My vitamin D levels were bottomed out last January at an all time low of 7.5. If you've never had yours measured, recommended levels are between 40 and 60. My doctor told me she had never ever seen anyone with levels as low as mine and she immediately put me on 10,000 ug twice a day. 

I say all this because although we talk about all the vitamins that are packed into the MF packets, we may not actually be aware of what that means. And what it will mean when we aren't ingesting 5 of them a day. It isn't just about calories and carbohydrates and protein. A healthy diet is so much more than that. I am not currently taking any vitamin supplements. And I am awake before the sun most days. Like 2 hours before the sun. It could be ketosis, or it could be that my body is getting all its vitamins and minerals such that my body isn't having to hibernate. We credit a lot of what we experience on ketosis, but what if it is more simple than that? What if it is that we are finally getting our recommended amounts of vitamins and minerals AND calories and protein and carbohydrates? 

I am many many moons from T&M, but lemme tell you, there's a lot of challenge in those phases.  I am going to start connecting to my body now. And really listening to what it has to say. Because, as hard as 5&1 may be, the next two phases are no sludge walk.

Happy Boxing Day

Who knows where the term actually came from, but, for me today, it means boxing up all the clothes that no longer fit and taking them to the Goodwill down the road. :) There are tons of pretty outfits that someone might want to use for their New Year's Eve party and I would rather they be used than for them to sit in my closet another holiday.

We got some sludge for the holiday. I have boxed that up as well and taking it to my sister's house. It isn't much so it isn't going to effect any of them too much. It just isn't part of my life right now. So, I will take to where it will be appreciated almost as well as the legos I have wrapped for my nephews. 

Similarly, I am boxing up all my old mental images of myself. I don't need them anymore and they are weighing me down. It was even keeping me from applying for a job that I really really want. I want to go and do. I know that this is my time. Those old images don't belong here. My image changes every day. And people are noticing. Time for me to notice, too.

On that note, my husband and I finally made good on the family's requests for a current picture of the two of us. We had a friend take us out to various locations around our neighborhood and she shot tons of photos (I love the digital age). I then narrowed it down to 10 or so and let my husband pick the one he liked best. Everyone has loved the picture we have given them. And everyone seems genuinely thankful that this is what we chose to give. 

Just a little extra packing tape on the box of mental images I don't need anymore.

Happy Solstice

This is my favorite time of year. As dark as it is most days, the light is returning and I love the light. I should love the summer - because the days are actually longer, but for some reason watching the days get shorter is harder than having them actually BE shorter.

My MF journey is like that. I love myself more as I am losing weight than I did when I was actually a couple of pounds lighter 5 years ago. Because the scale was moving in the other direction. It didn't matter how many points I counted, or how much activity I did, the scale was always moving in the wrong direction. I felt so out of control. So hopeless. I eventually stopped counting points, and then the scale really started moving in the wrong direction. 

I had no idea how to evaluate the nutritional make up of my caloric intake and why what I was doing wasn't effective. I probably had a lot of carbohydrates in those meals. Even in the vegetables and fruits I was choosing. And, I kept trying to work on the mental and emotional baggage that came with my obesity but I never ever felt like there was hope that I could be anything BUT obese. A very dark period indeed, even though I weighed less then than I do now.

Today, as I walked around the mall and across streets and through tides of people, I was extremely happy. My feet weren't protesting any more. I could feel my clothes as they moved with me losing contact with my body entirely with certain steps - not attached or constricting any more. Soon, I will be unpacking those clothes I wore at previous weights. Because I am revisiting those weights - in the other direction. And, as I grow out of my current sizes, I will be giving them away. I now know that a) I can get to goal and b) when I do, I will then learn the combination of foods that is my own personal nutritional perfect combination so that I can stay happy. The days are getting brighter all the time.

Two months after the end of an era

Today is officially the last day of my second month on the 5&1 plan. I've dropped 30 pounds which is more than 10% of my starting weight. I've gone from Class III to Class II Obese. I have gone from size 22-24 to a solid 20 (top and bottom). My wedding rings fit and I wear them every day. I used to have to remind myself to stand up straight, but now I discover that I am doing it already when I go to remind myself. I've had to adjust my sleep number 3 times - because I weigh enough less that it makes a difference. I sleep a shorter duration but with fewer interruptions every night. I haven't experienced terrible insomnia (where I'd only get an hour or so of sleep) since starting the 5&1. My cramps during TOM are manageable where they used to be debilitating. The list goes on and on and on.

The most important NSV is that I am confident that I will get to goal. AND that because I am confident that I will get to goal, I am willing to accept that there are certain things that are out of my future forever. Some people will be able to go back to eating a little of everything in moderation. I don't believe that I will be one of those people. My body has too many fat cells that have been plumped up and duplicated too many times for that. But I am ok with that knowledge now. It isn't demoralizing. And, it isn't demoralizing because I believe that I will get to goal. I recognize that it will probably be another 10 months, but I WILL GET TO GOAL. Goal isn't a dream. It is a reality. Because, this plan is rewarding in its results. And, because I will have gotten there, I won't want to lose that progress. 

I have a lot of time to keep working on the mental aspects. BUT, I am so excited that this is working and doing it consistently. I really needed that.

For me, today isn't the end of the world, or even an era. That happened two months ago when I started MF.

Was it a Tie or did I Win?

Yesterday, I posted to my group that I was feeling pretty good. "My resolve to stay on plan has held steady. I am so confident that I have even agreed to go to my sisters' on Sunday for our family holiday brunch. I originally told them I wouldn't be coming because I didn't think I could face the off-plan foods, but I've done really well in the face of off plan foods recently and think I'll be fine."

That was the morning. Then TOM arrived and my inner brat started whining and crying, whimpering and pleading, whispering and urging. She looked at my MF cupboard and wanted marshmallows in the Hot Cocoa and wanted bread to go with the soups. She wanted a Pint of REAL ice cream and she wanted a couple of shots to go with my pills for the pain. She wanted a burger with all the fixin's. She was hungry and wanted to EAT.

It SUUUUUUUUUCKED!

I ate my MF cereal crunch - hoping that would satisfy the junk food craving. Then a few hours later, I had some Chicken noodle soup, hoping the bottomless aspect of it would appease the need to eat and eat and eat. My L&G was the hardest - DH and I had planned to eat out of the fridge because I had cooked slightly too much for 3 meals this week, and there were left-overs (in perfect lean portions) that needed to be consumed; I would just need to cobble together a green. BUT our dear friends called and asked if we could meet them for dinner. I told him I couldn't go, the cramps were too much, but he should go and represent us. I had a big cup of mint tea and turned on some sappy Hallmark movies and played solitaire. I ate my left over lean and just didn't have the energy to fix my green. 

I didn't do it. It is the first time since I started almost 2 months ago that I haven't gotten all my required elements in. I told myself I'd make a salad "later". But I never did get around to it. I was going to add veggies to some MF eggs for an omelet/scramble, but I didn't do that either. I texted my husband and asked him to go to our favorite restaurant and get me some roasted broccoli to go. He said he would if I'd call ahead and order it. So I called and they said they didn't do ToGo orders. WHAT?!?! Oh well. My friends offered to go with him and get a table and order the broccoli and then say, "Oops plans changed, can we get that to go?" But we figured it would take an hour or more on a busy Saturday. That plan was scrapped.

So, no green yesterday. No off plan foods, either. The inner brat won one battle, but I won the others. Does that mean I won the war?

Milestones

Today is my 7th wedding anniversary.

I always feel the need to explain that it hasn't just been 7 years, because we met 29 years ago. 27 years ago, we had our first date. And stayed together for 6 years. But we were young and stupid and took what we had for granted so we broke up, went our separate ways, and married other people. Those marriages eventually broke up, and 10 years ago, our mothers suggested we see one another again. We did and it was so easy to recognize what we had together.

Apparently, I am the kind of person who has to lose what I had to recognize its value. 

Kind of like my health. I was so wrapped up in being "loved for who I am" that I let myself make choices that took me away from me. And suddenly, I didn't love who I am. I couldn't walk places without getting winded, I mean blocks not miles. Taking the stairs was no longer an option. Flying a plane was an exercise in humiliation for not fitting in the seat belt without seriously feeling like I was being cut in half. I judged myself harshly every day. I had lost my health and I missed it terribly.

Today, I have officially lost 10% of my original weight. And I feel positive again. I fit in my clothes. I walk with good posture again. I enjoy walking to do my errands and don't feel inclined to look for parking. I know that I still have around 100 lbs to lose - but I am confident that it will go away. MediFast has given me that confidence. And, I am betting I will keep it gone because once I find something good (and have already lost it once) I know how to hold onto it for a lifetime. And I want a lifetime of healthy living with my husband. We both deserve that.

Motivation or Information?

I am a daily weigher, food logger, water logger, etc. Every so often I see people who are posting about how they are putting their scale in the shed, or pulling the batteries. I get that. If you are someone who looks at the scale that doesn't move and thinks "But I Did Everything Right."

So much of this time on the 5&1 is about reframing. Reframing what portion sizes are. Reframing our ultimate goal. Reframing what healthy tastes like. Reframing what healthy feels like. Reframing what success looks like. And reframing how we respond to outside inputs.

Now, I am a math person and a science person. I have a bachelors in Biochemistry and a Masters in Business. I love data. But see, data is never a straight line, or even an regular curve. Any good actuary will tell you it is about making the best curve/line out of the data you get. For me, I know that my losses are completely affected by where I am in my hormone cycle. I lose slightly during days 1-5, hold steady for days 6-13 (maybe lose a little), have steep drops days 14-21, and may do some yo-yo'ing days 22-28. I wouldn't know this if I didn't weigh every day. Over multiple weight loss (and non-weight loss) plans. 

So for me, the scale doesn't motivate or demotivate. It just provides information that either proves or disproves my theory. It is all about the general trajectory. It's a scatter plot, for sure, and it is generally headed in the direction I want to go. And, I can certainly affect whether it continues to follow this trajectory - with my 5&1 choices. And it definitely makes staying on plan more attractive.

Ultimately, my goal is to be in tune with my body. What it needs and what makes it feel healthy. Consistency while I figure it out - based on the data - is super important.

What's your pattern? Do you know? 

Tis the Season

Last night my husband and I decided to walk home from a dinner with my mom. At one point, my husband was venting with vehemence about something so much that I thought he deserved for me to look at him and not where I was going and WHAM. I stepped on an uneven bit of the sidewalk, my ankle gave out, and I landed hard on my knee and the cement. He had really wanted to stop for frozen yogurt before I tripped and I had said that was fine with me. After my tumble, he wanted to head straight home, but I thought it might be less likely to stiffen up if we walked a bit. So we went ahead and slowly, watching where we were going, walked to the shop. He picked out his flavors and we walked slowly and carefully home.

I got home and discovered that my knee was all scraped up like a little kid's. I took a picture and posted it to Facebook and got some lovely comments about how it is good I didn't break a hip. ;) I love my friends.

Then this morning he called me as he was getting on his last bus to work (he takes one and transfers to another) to say that he had taken both sets of keys with him to work. Both (and only) sets of house keys. Both (and only) sets of car keys. Fantastic. My husband is more than an hour and two buses away from home with both sets of keys and I am home with a knee that is scraped up and now totally swollen.

I get up and weigh in - biting my tongue, hoping that my swollen knee hasn't ruined my progress. Whew. down another half a pound. And get on the computer to map out my new commute plans. 

My husband calls. One of our dear friends has seen his, "Can you believe what I did?" post on Facebook and has offered to get the keys from him and bring them to me. And, because she has seen my post about my knee, she's gonna bring them right to my door. 

Supporting one another, in whatever form it takes, is what we are here for. 

So, I am thankful for the fact that I have lost enough weight that my pants are loose and won't irritate my knee. I am thankful that I can walk with my husband into a trigger shop and not be tempted even after an emotional dinner AND a physical accident. And that it didn't even occur to me to be tempted because it isn't on plan. I am thankful that I have friends who can help us when we need it and laugh with us when things go weirdly wrong. 

History in the Making

No matter where you fall on the divide between should pot be legal or shouldn't it, it became legal yesterday in Washington State. I'm not a user and I grew up in Alaska when it was legal to own it, grow it and use it - you just couldn't sell it; so I didn't consider it too big a deal. But let me tell you what was a big deal. Nope not all the pictures of weed. Not all the pictures of paraphernalia to use it. Not all the jokes. Not the pictures of smoke. But the munchies stuff... THAT was unexpected.

Sludge, sludge everywhere. Billboards on movie houses toting all the usuals - under the markee, "Got the Munchies? We've got Pi". Clever? yes. Disturbing to the person working on staying on plan? YES. Pictures of wrappers. Pictures of half eaten this or that.

And, I realized: this culture is even more food focused than I ever realized. Pot is legal in the Netherlands, but it isn't like there are junk food billboards all over Amsterdam. What is it about our American culture that is so junk food crazy?

What will this new legalization do to our collective waistlines? Will it become a tacit approval to eat and eat and eat? I don't blame the pot. I blame our collective reaction to using it. Our culture struggles with excess. I know, from my graduate studies, that it is one of our cultural patterns. It comes from the "expansion west" - the exploration of new territories. But I wonder, when will we realize constant expansion is unhealthy?

I know I am preaching to the choir, on Medifast, where everyone has made the decision to stop their personal expansions and deal with their lack of control and tendency to exploit excess. And, I realize that we have such a bigger struggle than just our personal journeys. That we will have to fight our cultural norms. Every day. For the rest of our lives. 

Perhaps, each of us will become a voice for change. A voice for moderation. A voice for realistic consumption. We will become leaders by example.

Think about it. We, without realizing it, have signed up to be cultural Change Agents. 

Shoulda Put a Ring On It

A couple of months ago my husband and I were out to breakfast. We were meeting our friends in celebration - it was her last breakfast before starting MediFast. (she started a month before I did, she is such a great influence!) I had decided to try out a new nail polish color and it was quite dark. While we were waiting for our friends to show up, my husband caught a glimpse and grabbed a quick picture and posted to Facebook: "Pretty dark new nail polish for my wife. Perhaps her inner GOTH CHICK is slipping out."

When we got home, one of my friends had commented: "If you like it, you should put a ring on it."

I quipped back, "He did. I just forget a lot and leave them at home." But the truth is, I didn't forget. My fingers were just too damn fat for my rings to fit anymore. 

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a blog titled, "NSV I look forward to" A bunch of lovely people commented that it will happen - and then my rings will fall off when I lose even more weight.

I am pleased to say, TODAY IS THE DAY! My rings are back on my fingers. Both of them. Gotta keep drinking my water because I can't afford any excess water weight while I am wearing them, but that's ok! I am WEARING MY WEDDING RINGS

!

Downgrading from Murder

Whoo HOO! I just went from Class III Obese to Class II Obese.

When I started thinking about this yesterday (when I first realized that I was near a milestone) I wondered if it really mattered. I mean, I am still fat. I still come with the following warning: "If you have a BMI of 35-39 your risk of weight-related health problems and even death, is severe." But, I no longer come with THIS warning: "With a BMI of 40+ you have an extremely high risk of weight-related disease and premature death. Indeed, you may have already been suffering from a weight-related condition."

And, I know that I am making progress. I wondered if I would even tell the people I love about it. And then I thought of one of my husband and my favorite quotes from The Tourist with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie:
Italian policeman 2: You wish to report a murder.
Frank Taylor: Attempted murder.
Italian policeman 2: That's not so serious.
Frank Taylor: Not when you downgrade it from murder. But when you upgrade it from room service, it's quite serious.

It is all about perspective. If I were someone who had only ever been simply overweight or even healthy, this downgrade might seem like a drop in the bucket. But as someone who started this journey with a BMI of 43.7 - well into the Obese class III zone, this is so gratifying. I am definitely headed in the right direction. I have just downgraded from murdering my self.

Transparency

Each day, I find it more important to tell people that I am losing weight. I find myself bursting with the need to be present and include my circle in my journey. I know that there is something very satisfying about people noticing on their own - the physical changes, but the internal journey is what will keep me from doing this again.

So, I share the whys. 

I am tired of that initial look that passes through their eyes/over their faces when I struggle to do something. 

When we get to our apartment building, I often choose the elevator, because I hate huffing and puffing my way up the stairs. My friends ride the elevator with me, but I can tell that there is some question about my choice. It is only three and a half flights, why wouldn't I just walk (or run) up them? It is so much more expedient. 

I don't get excited about activities that would require us to walk all over town. Even though I live in the heart of the neighborhood and EVERYTHING is within 4 blocks and I have a bunch of friends who live within 10 blocks of me and my sister and her family lives 12 blocks away, I CHOOSE to drive to their houses. I drive to the store and the library and and and. I could walk there, but it just seemed so exhausting. And, the thing I tell people I love best about where we live is how walkable it is. How laughable is that?

I am tired of the pity because I am so unhealthy.

Last year, I gathered my troops and got them to all commit to do the Ski to Sea with me (a relay race that involves a leg each of downhill skiing, cross country skiing, running, road biking, mountain biking, canoeing, and kayaking). We did it. I did the running portion but had to walk most of it. Not one of us was the slowest in our leg. (how cool is that?), but I never did get into good enough shape so that I could actually run it. I crossed an item off my bucket list but just barely. My friends did it because it was fun, but mostly they did it in support of helping me become more active and healthy.

My mother in law gets so disappointed when I walk in the room. We see each other every month or so and she is worried about my weight. She wants me to be healthy and knows that my excess weight is not indicative of good things. She knows my mother is over 300 lbs and doesn't want me to follow in her footsteps.

My grandmother worries about each of us and our health. She does not want to outlive any of us. So, she worries when my dad has heart problems and worries when I am overweight. So far, my doctor continues to tell me that my blood work indicates I am still in the normal range of everything, but each checkup, I move closer and closer to the "unhealthy" edge. Except my eye doctor. My recent adoption of kale into our diet has moved my macular degeneration numbers a whole point in the healthy direction! Whoo hoo! I am a kale junkie now.

So, I am telling them how these judgments make me feel and how, even though they never say anything, I know they are worried for me. I tell them that I am not unaware and that I am doing something about it now. So, when I go to Thanksgiving dinner and don't taste each dish, they understand and support me. When I say I am worried about the temptations about a party and that I have done so much work to lose this weight and that I don't want to jeopardize it, they say we can just make it a Healthy Party. When I say I am worried about the people who want to second-guess my choices, they offer support and alternative messaging. Each time they see me eating MF food and not something from the buffet table, they recognize my resolve and LITERALLY pat me on the back. Each time I say I won't be drinking alcohol for at least a year, (ok, first they cringe but) they applaud me for my dedication. When I bypass the elevator and choose to huff and puff up the stairs, their eyes light up and they take it at my pace. When I show up at their house carless, they make sure not to load me down with stuff for my trip home and offer me a glass of water. When my parents called to ask what I wanted for Christmas and I said, write a check to my gym, they said, "gladly".

It might appear that all these whys are for someone else, not me. And, that isn't completely invalid. But really, it is about my self-esteem. It is about being a complete participator in my life. It is about valuing rather than devaluing my health and well-being. And it is about honesty. Being honest with myself and true to my needs. And, it is about rallying my troops. This is an even bigger bucket list item than the Ski-to-Sea. This is about how long I have to develop that list.