Transparency

Each day, I find it more important to tell people that I am losing weight. I find myself bursting with the need to be present and include my circle in my journey. I know that there is something very satisfying about people noticing on their own - the physical changes, but the internal journey is what will keep me from doing this again.

So, I share the whys. 

I am tired of that initial look that passes through their eyes/over their faces when I struggle to do something. 

When we get to our apartment building, I often choose the elevator, because I hate huffing and puffing my way up the stairs. My friends ride the elevator with me, but I can tell that there is some question about my choice. It is only three and a half flights, why wouldn't I just walk (or run) up them? It is so much more expedient. 

I don't get excited about activities that would require us to walk all over town. Even though I live in the heart of the neighborhood and EVERYTHING is within 4 blocks and I have a bunch of friends who live within 10 blocks of me and my sister and her family lives 12 blocks away, I CHOOSE to drive to their houses. I drive to the store and the library and and and. I could walk there, but it just seemed so exhausting. And, the thing I tell people I love best about where we live is how walkable it is. How laughable is that?

I am tired of the pity because I am so unhealthy.

Last year, I gathered my troops and got them to all commit to do the Ski to Sea with me (a relay race that involves a leg each of downhill skiing, cross country skiing, running, road biking, mountain biking, canoeing, and kayaking). We did it. I did the running portion but had to walk most of it. Not one of us was the slowest in our leg. (how cool is that?), but I never did get into good enough shape so that I could actually run it. I crossed an item off my bucket list but just barely. My friends did it because it was fun, but mostly they did it in support of helping me become more active and healthy.

My mother in law gets so disappointed when I walk in the room. We see each other every month or so and she is worried about my weight. She wants me to be healthy and knows that my excess weight is not indicative of good things. She knows my mother is over 300 lbs and doesn't want me to follow in her footsteps.

My grandmother worries about each of us and our health. She does not want to outlive any of us. So, she worries when my dad has heart problems and worries when I am overweight. So far, my doctor continues to tell me that my blood work indicates I am still in the normal range of everything, but each checkup, I move closer and closer to the "unhealthy" edge. Except my eye doctor. My recent adoption of kale into our diet has moved my macular degeneration numbers a whole point in the healthy direction! Whoo hoo! I am a kale junkie now.

So, I am telling them how these judgments make me feel and how, even though they never say anything, I know they are worried for me. I tell them that I am not unaware and that I am doing something about it now. So, when I go to Thanksgiving dinner and don't taste each dish, they understand and support me. When I say I am worried about the temptations about a party and that I have done so much work to lose this weight and that I don't want to jeopardize it, they say we can just make it a Healthy Party. When I say I am worried about the people who want to second-guess my choices, they offer support and alternative messaging. Each time they see me eating MF food and not something from the buffet table, they recognize my resolve and LITERALLY pat me on the back. Each time I say I won't be drinking alcohol for at least a year, (ok, first they cringe but) they applaud me for my dedication. When I bypass the elevator and choose to huff and puff up the stairs, their eyes light up and they take it at my pace. When I show up at their house carless, they make sure not to load me down with stuff for my trip home and offer me a glass of water. When my parents called to ask what I wanted for Christmas and I said, write a check to my gym, they said, "gladly".

It might appear that all these whys are for someone else, not me. And, that isn't completely invalid. But really, it is about my self-esteem. It is about being a complete participator in my life. It is about valuing rather than devaluing my health and well-being. And it is about honesty. Being honest with myself and true to my needs. And, it is about rallying my troops. This is an even bigger bucket list item than the Ski-to-Sea. This is about how long I have to develop that list.