I got to play dress up today

Last New Years, my resolution was to only keep clothes in my closet that actually fit; it was a struggle every morning to stay positive as I looked at all these clothes that I loved but couldn't get into. (My other resolution was to get healthy in 2012, but that took longer to start manifesting.) So, I went to the box store and bought a bunch of totes. I packed away all my clothes by size. The size 14s and 16s and 18s and *gasp* 20s all got their own totes, labeled and dutifully sealed for that day when my other resolution actually came to pass.

I bought this super cool tote that was like a hanging closet for my lovely jackets and suits. Unfortunately, it couldn't bear the weight of those jackets and suits and I came home the next day (before I could cart everything to the storage unit) to a pile of tote, jackets, suits, and dresses. *sigh* I would have to keep them in my closet, after all. That has kind of been annoying. As I prepped for event after event, I would mournfully look at those lovely outfits and know I still had nothing to wear.

Today, I put on my trusty black pants. Those pants that were on the tight side the week before I started MF. (Ok, they were super tight - that tight that means when I sat down the zipper unzipped.) Those pants are now baggy. The waist is loose. I double checked in the full length mirror that is my closet door - yep, there are FOLDS hanging off my but! WHAT?!?!?!? When did that happen? I just took my measurements yesterday, I haven't lost but an inch in that area! Did the measuring tape lie? 

Tentatively, I took out my lovely spring green jacket - the one I was so sad to not get to wear at Easter and the Spring Luncheon because I couldn't button the buttons. I pulled it on and... IT FIT! Ok, it pulled a tad at the breasts, but I could button it and WEAR IT IN PUBLIC if I wanted to.Whoa! I took that measurement too, yesterday and have only lost a half inch there. 

I AM GOING TO GET TO WEAR SOME GREAT STUFF FOR THE HOLIDAY PARTIES!!!! 

I am going to get to pull some boxes out of storage before our trip in January!

And, I think I need to mark my measurement locations on my body with a sharpie, because I don't think I'm doing it right. I joked about this with my husband last night, but I just might be serious, now.

Looks like we made it....

If this sounds like the a Barry Manilow song, that is no coincidence.

Yesterday was harder than I expected it to be. I skipped the family Thanksgiving and opted for the Orphans Thanksgiving with some friends. So, I missed the emotional roller coaster of fun. My husband was super supportive and told the family that he was really pleased and supportive of my choice. I gathered my troups and we walked the Turkey Trot and then I blithely made my green bean casserole - MF style and headed over to the host house. 

So much good looking food at our 2 o'clock dinner, and none of it OP except my green bean casserole and the turkey. I felt a little bad because I couldn't partake in the roasted veggies (that were carrots, parsnips, potatoes, garlic, and something else off program), nor the salad that was reportedly a lovely finely chopped brussles sprout, pecorino cheese and small amount of nuts, and certainly not the gravy, stuffing or cranberry chutney OR cranberry sauce. But I was feeling super good when everyone else was complaining about being so full and I was pleasantly satisfied. That was ok. 

It was the next 8 hours that were the struggle. The pies and tiramisu at 4:30; I had my (chocolate mint soft serve) decaf peppermint mocha. The constant snacking on said pies until I gave in at 6:30 and made my brownie with 1 teaspoon of the freshly whipped cream. Then the next round of snacking on the chips and hors d'ouvres while we played board games... I broke out my nacho chili cheese puffs at 8:30. And for the first time on program, I had gone through all my MF food and it wasn't even 9:00! And I was still struggling to not snack like the rest of them! 

I am super super proud that I stayed on program ALL day, but it was certainly not as easy as I had hoped it would be. I drank lots of water and cups of mint tea but it was just not easy to be there while everyone ate and ate and ate. None of them ate copious quantities, but everyone ate little bits of something every half hour or so - a sliver of pie, another ounce of turkey, a forkful of stuffing, a tablespoon of tiramisu, a couple of pita chips, some cheese, a small plate of salad... I finally had to tell my husband that he had to stop eating. I couldn't continue to sit next to him if he kept snacking and eating. 

And, at the end of the evening I broke out my bag of goodies - the bag of food I had cleaned out of my cupboard of foods I can't eat on program - and everyone took a little something; rice noodles to the gluten free friend; nuts to the cyclist; chocolate to the runner; homemade granola to the naturally skinny guy; popcorn to the newly hired accountant working 90 hours a week. I came home with my bag empty and my heart full but boy was I craving a little something something. 

Thank goodness for the 1/2 c of cottage cheese I had in the fridge and thank goodness for the 5k that meant that was on plan!

Oh and the Barry Manilow reference? Every time we didn't pay attention to my friend's music player, it would pop up a Barry Manilow song - we heard Mandy and, Looks Like We Made It and, Can't Smile Without You, and Even Now... It cracked us up - she has over 3000 songs and all her random generator could find were Barry Manilow songs. 

Thanksgiving - bounty and joy

Today is Thanksgiving. A day when we all give thanks for all that we have.

In general, Thanksgiving is a terrible holiday for me. Really really bad things have happened on this holiday and it is generally one I "get through". In Seattle, Thanksgiving is generally started or met with a big storm: lots of wind, lots of precipitation; this year we didn't get snow, but often we do. So, I have spent many a Thanksgiving in the dark, cooking a turkey on the barbecue, and sides on the camp stove, and wood stove. One year, my parents decided to take Thanksgiving as the opportunity to tell the family that they were getting a divorce. The following year they were in court. Two years, I have been in the ER and once with my grandmother. All four years of college, I struggled with planes to get to family for Thanksgiving and more often than not, the flight was canceled due to mechanical failure. One year my ex-husband followed (unknowingly) my parents example, and announced that we were getting divorced - much to my surprise. The following year, our court date was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Twice I have been laid off the Wednesday before. And twice I have lost very beloved pets. I am 43 - that's a high percentage of Thanksgivings that have been ruined in one way or another with sadness and misery. 

This year, I am thankful and happy to report that the day has dawned bright and clear. It is the second year that I will be participating in the Turkey Trot and I think I have begun a very joyful tradition. I have even managed to rope 4 friends into joining me! 4 of us will be strolling and one will be running - we will meet her at the finish line. :)

Too, I am avoiding the family drama - no reason to stress myself out with questions about MF and if it is "good"; no reason to deal with the overwhelming personalities and pool of old arguments, I am tossing my husband in as our representative, but he handles it better. I am staying away. I have been invited to participate in Thanksgiving with our friends and am overjoyed that they are embracing and supportive of my need to be lean and green. Another couple is coming and she is gluten free so we will all have a our dietary delights to share. :)

But mostly I am thankful that I work at a non-profit that truly serves the families in my community. This past month we have been collecting food and organizing it so that this past Saturday, our families could come and do their Thanksgiving shopping. 24 families took home two bags of food, a turkey, spices, and a gift card to their preferred grocery store so that they could purchase fresh veggies or whatever. Unfortunately, I missed one application and 1 family came to pick up their food and we didn't have any for her. My heart broke on Monday. She didn't cry, but I could tell it was a struggle. I sent her away with a gift card - but felt so very terribly inadequate. I am super excited to report that I was able to call her yesterday and let her know we had collected more for her. She left with her bags of food and TWO turkeys! She shared that she had food stamps but that they were supposed to last through mid-December and she hadn't wanted to have to "blow" it on a Thanksgiving dinner; so she was overjoyed to know that they had both Thanksgiving AND Christmas meals taken care of, now. She gave me the biggest hug. And I am reminded that THIS is what Thanksgiving is all about. 

Thanksgiving is about being thankful and being generous with our community. It is about focusing on what we can do and what we have been able to do. The Turkey Trot benefits the food bank - and I added a donation equivalent to the number of pounds I have lost. I love my family and so much more from afar. I love and am thankful for the support of my husband who will be my shield and my representative today. And I love and appreciate this MF community with your wealth of ideas and support!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Nonscale victory I look forward to

I want to wear my wedding rings again.

I had to stop wearing them because my fingers just got too fat and some days the rings would make my finger swell up like I'd put a tourniquet around it. So, I put them aside. Every couple of days since I started MF, I try again. And if they get stuck just beyond the knuckle, I stop. It makes me sad. Super sad. So, I drink more water and I watch the scale go down. And still, my rings don't fit. 

I've slowly watched the indentation in my finger fade. It hardly looks like I ever wore a wedding ring. I've always had a ring to wear on that finger, even before I was married, I used to wear dinner rings there. None of them fit any more. And the indent that used to be natural after the knuckle is gone. 

So, while I am super excited to not experience a migraine and super excited to not have cramps that cause me to miss work (both attributable to the higher protein diet of MF), these are not the NSV I long for. 

I know that if I stick to this plan, my rings will fit again. And I know that if I stick to this plan, they will eventually have to be resized down. But for now, all I want is to be able to wear them again. Especially for the holidays...

The MF Community

A couple of days ago, there was a posting on the discussion boards about "being on medifast for 5 months (or was it weeks? I forget) and not losing a pound - what am I doing wrong?"

The first few posters were all about support: "Have you talked to your doctor?" "Have you talked to MF?" "Have you diligently been recording what you put in and what you put out?" etc.

And then came the nay-sayers. The people who, like me, had gone researching the poster and their responses: "You just created your profile." "You aren't real." "You are hurting the people who are honestly trying." "You are a troll."

Yet still there were people interspersed who wanted to offer comfort or solutions.

I didn't post on that thread, but what I wanted to post was, "THANK GOD there are so many people with heart and brains. Those who are empathetic and caring about the individuals. AND those who are pragmatic and thoughtful and protective of the process."

I love that about this community. It takes all kinds to get us to goal and for every time I want to shake someone or ignore them - two more people step up and offer a word of encouragement or a alternative solution for the next time.I am an excellent spin doctor - in the very best way. I am cursed with being able to look at things from multiple points of view, which is why so many games are easy and so many diets end up being frustrating. But this ability is helpful when I find myself frustrated. Sometimes I don't like the other point of view, nor do I understand it, but that doesn't mean I can't see it.

I am just shy of one month into MF and I hope every day that I can keep my blinders on and just do the program. This isn't WW: counting carbohydrates and calories and fat and protein is a slippery slope. This isn't the Miracle Diet: balancing carbohydrates and fiber isn't going to get me to goal. This isn't a cleanse: I can eat cooked food and raw food and protein and veggies. This is MF and they have given us very careful lists of veggies that are ok, proteins that are ok, fats that are ok, and packages of food to consume. It is time to trust in the program and not deviate. It isn't ok to look at a label and say, "it has the same carbohydrates and protein as X, which is on plan; so it is ok." Not all carbohydrates (or proteins or fats) are created equal.

I say this because now it is time for me to mindful of my mindset. At one month in, it is the typical time when I start to "game the system". Deviations, for me, are when I find ways to slip in the sabotage. No one is harder for me to say "no" to than myself. I think it is going to take becoming a super-convert. My tone on the blogs and discussion boards will be in this role. And I am super glad for the balance that everyone else will bring. 

In my MBA program we discussed being "Unconsciously Competent" and "Consciously Incompetent", with the goal, of course, to be consciously competent. It is important to be mindful of every choice including ones point of view.

What is your role? What is your point of view? How are you handling "the system"?

Rhythm and Temptation

I still haven't found the perfect daily pattern. I generally get up at the same time and eat within 30-40 minutes. I then get my next meal about 2.5-3 hours later. And then the cycle breaks all weird. Some days, I eat every 2 hours and some days I am clearly waiting too long.

So, yesterday I planned my day super carefully because I was going to a friend's house for a bread making party. Yes, a bread making party! Not only did she serve the bread she'd made in preparation for the party, but she sent us home with both dough AND a loaf. And she didn't just serve bread, but cheese and salami and olives. And my other friends brought wine...

And, I was good. Not a bite. Not a taste. Nada. I happily chomped on my Nacho Chili Cheese puffs and drank 6 glasses of water over the 4 hours. They all were so lovely and nice about it. 

So that was the temptation, back to the rhythm. In my preparation, I somehow did the math wrong. I ate MF at 8:15 am. Then at 11:30 am, then at 1:15 pm then at 3:45 pm and I was absolutely starving by the time I walked in the door at 6:15. I did eat my L&G dinner by 6:35, but it was super close. I should have pushed my 3rd and 4th meals back a little to adjust for travel time home. :( 

I think all that fighting temptation actually burned some energy because I was wiped out/exhausted by 8:30 pm. I could barely keep my eyes open and ended up not going out with my husband and friends to the neighborhood art walk nor did I go over for game night. Instead I crashed on the couch. 

Can fighting temptation really wear you out? Is it just me? Or is it that I haven't really settled into a rhythm yet - Eating each meal at a set time each day. I have got to start using my alarm more.

A couple of days ago, someone posted about the 2.5 hour alarm and living and reflecting upon what she'd done in the previous 2.5 hours and what she'd do in the next. I think I need to test that theory and see what results I get.

Re the temptation: My husband happily consumed the loaf I brought home and will enjoy the one I made from the dough. I will be happy to have it all gone!

And the scale went WHOOSH!

I am so bad at this process over progress thing. I really am. I want to be focused on being on plan: eating my 5 MF meals, drinking my water, measuring my protein, eating my greens. But six days of the scale not moving (it even went UP half a pound yesterday) were starting to try my patience. I posted to the discussion boards to verify that this was "normal" for week 3 yesterday. Thankfully, some lovely people responded with "YES". So, I went back to focusing on being on plan. I upped my fat a little (a couple slices of avocado and a handful of almonds), drank 20 more ounces of water and was rewarded this morning with a 2.5 loss! I am so goal oriented. I'm trying not to be but, damn it!

I can say that my pants are looser and my sweaters are starting to hang. But I thought I'd just stretched them out in the wash. 

Note to self: gotta start taking measurements.

(OK this is starting to sound more like a facebook post than a reflection journal. Time to do it right)

So, what have I learned from this? I need to stay focused on the process. It will work. It will result in positive reinforcement, it may not be immediate, but it will happen. Sometimes, being too frugal with the fats may not be the best answer. I don't want to eat tons of guacamole straight from a bowl, but a little fat that is full of fiber will be good once in a while.

Also, I need to focus more on the NSVs. I regret not taking my measurements when I started, but it isn't like I am done. I can take them today and still take note when they change. I can start taking weekly photos of myself in the same clothes. It is amazing to watch the changes week over week on the Biggest Loser (yes, I watched it for a couple of seasons from my couch continuing to do nothing). It isn't about start and finish, it is about progress - so I need to start focusing on the progress I am making. The scale is not and should not be my only measurement. Time to practice this part of the plan!

Also, there will be stalls. I have to be acknowledge my frustration and then change something up. If I deny my frustration, I won't be able to do anything more than swallow it - and really, that's gonna weigh almost as much as junk food on the scale.

Ok - let the Happy Dance Continue!

Choices, choices and a plan

Last night we went to a dinner theater. We love this particular production group and have been to a number of their shows, so when they came up for sale in early September, I rallied our friends and bought tickets. Six weeks later, two weeks before the show, I started MediFast.

There is no perfect time to start MediFast, there is always something coming up that could have been my excuse to put it off until that something had passed. But I was tired of waiting to focus on me. Tired of bursting out of one more "this is the *biggest* size I will ever purchase!" pants. Tired of not being comfortable on a plane. Tired of seeing my families' eyes when I walked through the door at holidays and was a little bigger than the last time they had seen me - that knowing look that they are worried about my health and my self-care, that I might be following in my mom's footsteps.

So, when the box arrived, I went ahead and started. I figured I would work around the Halloween Parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas and our trip to Vegas in January - I could make good choices for all of them. Five days in, my motivation friend (the one who got me here) asked me and my husband to join her and her husband at a bar - she said she'd feel stronger with another person on MF for support. When we both got through the evening making great choices AND having a good time, I knew I could handle anything. I had forgotten about our dinner theater tickets.

This particular production does dinner and cocktails in courses and in conjunction with the plot - it is a pris fixe meal, no choices. I could have skipped it, or sent someone else in my stead. But, I *love* these shows. I love the way the chef plays with food - and this was a Twin Peaks themed show. So much fun. 

So, I planned my day. I went to yoga in the morning, and planned my meals so that I had added a little extra green and lean throughout the day (added an ounce of turkey and a cup of spinach to Original Eggs for Lunch and Dinner). I ate my meals so that by the time the food started coming during the show (around 8:30), I would be neither hungry nor out of calorie/carb room. I sipped the first cocktail - then promptly redistributed it among my husband and friends. And drank a glass of water. I tasted the donut (mashed potato with chives baked to look like a plain donut - tasty, but not worth the carbs/calories) and then redistributed it to my husband. And drank a glass of water. I did drink my vodka collins w/ cucumber and seltzer water - yummy and refreshing. I ate the beef borscht - there were very few beets in it. And skipped the bloody mary. More water. I had planned on the salmon sausage to be my true "Lean" for the day, but when it came out, I tasted it but just couldn't swallow it. (too much like my mom's salmon loaf and I've had more than enough of that for my lifetime). I was kind of sad, but really glad I'd eaten the borscht. So - that got redistributed as well. And, more glasses of water. By this time, my friends were joking every time the lights came up that I'd be headed to the bathroom (they weren't wrong). I skipped the hot rum "tea" completely and the creme brule, but did eat the parsnip and apple "hashbrowns". 

And I really enjoyed the show.

I made it - and when I logged every bite and every sip into my meal log - I had only consumed 105 g of carbohydrates and had burned 1033 calories for the day!  We parked kind of far away and a couple of hills over - so there was walking to and from. My fitbit registered that I had climbed  the equivalent of 11 flights of stairs! This morning I was down 1.5 lbs.

In general, no one advocates going off program. But worse is feeling like you can't participate in something because you are restricted. I was restricted - before MF, I would have eaten and drank everything except the salmon sausages and probably agreed with my friends to go for pizza beforehand. (On WW, I would have probably eaten everything as well - but not done the pizza and would have tried to make it up later, probably why that system doesn't work for me.) But because I was restricted on MF, this time I could still participate and stay as on program as much as I could. And that is a fabulous victory!

I'd also like to say that it felt really good being honest with my friends. We talked before the show about being on MF and what that would mean for me but also why I was doing it and they were FABULOUSLY supportive. I knew they would be, but it feels so much better to have them express it. Being honest about my weight, discussing it in straight forward terms and how frustrating it had been at Yoga that morning and knowing they had been watching me lose control of my health was freeing. In only the way that someone who has gotten a divorce can understand. Those times when you tell your friends about why your life isn't working - that is a healthy and important step of the process.

Frustration! Exercise and Health

I went to my first exercise class this morning. It was Gentle Yoga (basic flexibility and balance improvement). I was the youngest person there by at least 20 years. I struggled with a number of the moves. I struggled with feeling out of breath. I struggled with the weight of my stomach as it obstructed my ability to LIE DOWN without feeling nauseous.

I know that the last 10 years have added a lot of weight. I can see it in the mirror. I had lost touch with how that weight and the last 10 years have effected my flexibility and stamina. 

I used to amaze my Personal Trainer with my range of motion and balance doing some of her hardest routines. She used to struggle to find ways to actually help me stretch before a workout - because I was so flexible that it felt like nothing. I used to amaze my sexual partners with the way we could play with my flexibility and torque and stamina. (TMI? Sorry!)

Now, I can't keep up with women and men 20 years my senior in a YOGA class. A class that is designed to have less impact than a Beginning Yoga class. 

I know this is the beginning and I know that the beginning will continue to be hard and frustrating. I also know that as I lose the weight and keep going to the classes that it will all come back and I will be able to move to the more difficult/higher impact classes and routines again. And, it is only day 12 on MF. But knowing and internalizing are completely different things.

One day at a time. I am trying to repeat that as my mantra. I am trying to focus on the SUCCESS of the fact I went to the class and did what I could do. On the success of each step. But this goal oriented person is struggling. A lot. I don't compare myself to other people. But it is super hard to not compare the me now to the me I used to be. 

So, here's what I will say: my FitBit registers that I have already walked over 3000 steps BEFORE noon. And, climbed 6 flights of stairs. I have done at least 30 minutes of yoga today. (and done 2 loads of laundry). Those are all good things. And, if a friend of mine were saying these things I would be cheering like crazy. Let's see what else I can do!