Sometimes the inner brat is subversive and sneaky about it

Today a friend of mine posted about how she realized that she had let her inner brat gain hold using the most subversive of all tools: exercise. Exercising is healthy, right? It is a required element for future health and well-being. So, how did the inner brat almost get her derailed? Because it became the vehicle for tweaking her MF plan. First it was a little more protein, then it was 4 and 2 and then it was, "my body is small enough, I don't have to get to my weight goal." and finally it was, "I'm going to start transitioning this way my trainer at the gym told me."

Each step someone tried to ask questions about her decisions, get her to take a second look and maybe rethink. But here's the thing, she was doing all of this for the "right" reasons, right? So, not really something to argue about. But what was really happening is that she had a serious case of the "medifatigues" and she just wanted to move on to the "next" step. The Brat was tired of 5&1. 

I'm not picking on her, I am going to use her experience as a lesson for me. When other people question my decisions, I tend to want to shout them down. "Listen to me! I know what I am doing." Except, I don't. Not always. Sometimes I just really want a change. Sometimes I really don't want to hear how I am being hypocritical or rationalizing bad decisions. And this has been a wake up call for me. Stop arguing. Start listening. Stop giving my inner brat so much power and lying to myself and thinking that it is me "listening to my body". I need to really learn how to tune in to everyone. Not just the voices saying what I want to hear. 

I suspect this is a life lesson and not just related to weight loss. I should probably hide this blog from my husband. 

FIFTY!!! Gone, gone gone

I've been sick all week (again). I actually think this is part 2 of the flu I had two weeks ago, so I was fairly sure I would experience a stall like the first part. Instead, it appears my body's typical cycle overrides anything the flu can do, and I am in my drop drop drop part of the month.

Even so, I stepped on the scale resigned to a shallower than normal drop. Instead, I got a big drop. Big enough to get me to 50 pounds lost EXACTLY! 

What is it about these milestones? Why do they mean so much? Why are is 50 worth so much more than the 48.5 pounds I had lost as of yesterday? It seems odd that that 1.5 pounds can mean so much. But it does. 

I've been so diligent about not overstating my losses. I don't round up my losses when I talk to people because I know it will diminish the experience when I actually get there. So, it gets kind of tedious to say, "I've lost 46 pounds." or "48.5 pounds". I actually got a little upset when my husband told his uncle I had lost 50 pounds when I wasn't even to 45 pounds, yet. Each pound matters. Each half a pound matters, each lean and green, each MF packet, each glass of water, each stall, each blog, each forum post, each step on this journey matters. 

So, while some parts of me want to "get there already", the saner parts of me understand that I need time to sit with each step and really be ok with where I am.

All the same, I am totally doing some happy dancing around the house this morning. ;)

Photo Journal of a day of calories in and out

So, as part of Dr A's 30 day challenge, the second day he asks for us to record everything we consume and also track how we expend that energy. I do this regularly; I saw another MF member do it with pictures and I thought that was FABULOUS! So here goes:

Breakfast: Apple & Cinnamon Oatmeal with flax seed, tea & 20 ounces of water 

Map of C25k workout

Second Breakfast: Strawberry Shake & 20 ounces of water (except I forgot to capture the picture until after it was mostly gone.)

Lunch: Chili & 20 ounces of water 

Mid-afternoon snack: Southwestern Eggs plus 3 Egg Whites, a Mushroom & 20 ounces of water 

Dinner: Turkey Meatloaf, Green Beans & 20 ounces of water 

Before bed snack: Brownie & 20 ounces of water 

Final Summary of Day:  

It was fun - even if I forgot to take the photos twice before I ate the food. ;)

Dressing for Success

I work part of each day in two separate offices. One is a small architecture firm run by two guys who are amazing businessmen and have worked really hard to stay open and profitable through the housing bubble crash and the financial bubble crash. The other is a small non-profit run by about 200 dedicated members and 1 Executive Director (all women) and they have successfully reduced their deficit budget over the last three years - far ahead of the 5 year plan they implemented.

The dress code at both places is mostly casual, sometimes we step it up to business casual, but that isn't generally gonna happen. Jeans, holey sweaters, Keens - you know, not so much what some might think "dressing for success" looks like. But as I was showering after my C25K workout, I realized the clothes aren't what scream success, it is their healthy lifestyles. One of the architects came back from lunch and was crowing about how he ran 10 miles in an hour - and showing off his stats in MapMyFitness. The other one came into work that morning drooling over some new bicycle. The runner is a marathoner and has run the NY marathon in addition to the ones around town; the biker has done the STP (Seattle to Portland) bike race in one day the last couple of years and RAMROD (a bike race around Mt Rainier) twice, as well. Then, I thought about my ED; SHE walks 4 miles and her "walk" takes her straight up 500 ft of elevation at mile 3.2 - and she does yoga 3-4 times a week. When we are in work/project crunches, there is constant push from everyone to make sure we all get our workouts in. It isn't about getting home to the kids and families (although that gets mentioned, too) as much as it is, "I need to leave by X so that I can get my ride/walk/run in."

 

So, as I lose weight and gain activity, I find myself chomping at the bit to "dress for success" as they do. I too am excited to talk about my Dirty Girl Runs and my progress with increased activity. 

Imbolc/Candlemass/Groundhog's Day/St Brigid's Day

This is absolutely my favorite holiday of the year. It is very much a northern hemisphere holiday. February 1st into the morning of the 2nd is about when we first start to notice that we aren't going into work AND leaving work in the dark. I don't have to leave a light on for my husband because it will still be light when he gets home. I start to see the crocuses blooming - a welcome bit of color in everyone's yards. Things are percolating again. It is celebrated by one of the best Bill Murray movies of all time - well really, who doesn't love the scene of him with the groundhog driving at mad speeds into a fiery explosion? ...  More, that movie is about finding and achieving your dreams; once he has figured out his path, and taken the important first step, his life moves on.

There are no Hallmark Cards for this holiday. No special sludge to eat or drink. Just candles and meditation and fertility. 

Fertility? WHAT?!?! Where did that come from?

Sure, the more common use of the term, but it is also about bringing your goals to fruition. I've been thinking about them and planning, but now is the time for them to come into being. As much as I like to believe that I am a person who springs immediately into action, it generally takes a little bit of time between when I start to talk about change to when I actually take action. Even when I started MF in October: I had actually signed up for MF in SEPTEMBER, the box came and then I waited 2 weeks to start. I don't regret that thinking time, it allows me to really get centered on how I will proceed and have a greater understanding of what will be entailed with my decisions. So every year on this day, it is my second chance to recommit to my New Year's resolution (or my Yule hopes/dreams - or my Advent pledges). 

Every year, I light a candle and sit with my hopes and dreams; defining and focusing on my goals for the future, organization, health, and protection. I get to really unpack all my fears about the steps to said goals. I get to decide which steps are appealing and which ones feel daunting. I get to address the daunting ones with either making plans for making those steps smaller, or by enlisting aid, or by talking them out with someone (usually my husband). I never beat myself up about not having "started" on said resolution or goal in the past month - because I am honest with myself about how this in-between time has been helpful for allowing things to percolate. Kind of my own personal reliving of the same day over and over until I am ready to move forward. 

This year, I have a lot of changes in store. I have made some pretty big goals including a new job and a new home. I need to sit in front of the candle and meditate on what is both desirable and undesirable in my life and in my heart. Affirm that I will nurture the good and dissuade the bad. It is time to light a candle and get started.

And, if the candle doesn't work, I can always revisit the Pep Talk. <<<<---- watch it. 

100 days

Today marks 100 days since I opened my first MF packet. It is hard to believe it has only been 100 days, just a little more than 3 months. So many experiences in the last 100 days and it feels like it should be so much more time than that. In some ways, it is like when I was a kid and it felt like FOR EVER between birthdays and holidays etc, because when I think about these last 100 days, I am overwhelmed with the growth and the changes.

I have learned how to handle stress at holidays without feeling like I need to hide behind my fork. For Halloween, that meant not exposing myself to the the tables laden with sludge; for Thanksgiving, that meant starting the day with a 5k; for Christmas, it meant exercising my self-worth and standing up to my mother's snide comments; for New Years it meant being ok hearing others describe how something tasted rather than feeling the need to experience it first hand. Each holiday came at a different point in my progress on MF and each time brought new challenges and new solutions. Not every holiday will be the same and not every holiday will require the same responses, but each holiday presents a new opportunity for me to practice another way of taking care of me. 

I have celebrated milestones and attended events and just enjoyed the people or the process without feeling anxious about the food. My anniversary, a wake, club meetings, college events, birthday parties, holiday parties, open houses - a glass of seltzer, or an MF bar, or just my smile and a name tag was all I needed to navigate the various functions and life events. It is so much easier to shake someone's hand when you don't have to juggle a plate, by the way. It doesn't hurt that when I'd leave any of these functions, I didn't feel the need to loosen my pants or coat because I had overindulged. So much nicer to just kick off my shoes and reflect on the conversations.

I have learned how to go to work and take breaks from work without it becoming a reason to dive into sludge due to starvation or stress. In the last 100 days, I have had fiscal quarters end and a fiscal year end with all the taxes filings and book balancing and reconciling and questions and stress - and had the ability to set a timer that reminds me when to eat and not think about food other than that. I don't have to worry about when or what I will eat - or how I will procure it. The timer goes off and I either hit snooze or I open a packet or eat my L&G. If it is the snooze button, then I know that I have 10 minutes before I have to think about it again. Freeing. I can focus on the work without getting to the end of the day exhausted and starving because I never refueled - nor have I ended up diving into sludge because I am so stressed from the workload. 

I have had a Staycation and a Vacation in the last 100 days and came out of both more committed than I went in to me and my health. I was able to use the staycation to focus on ME - I journaled, blogged, exercised, and thought. I wasn't cooking some form of sludge, or eating it. At the end of it, I felt rejuvenated and rested and healthier - ready to focus and interact in the world around me. During my vacation, I was able to travel and laugh and play and love with my friends and family and never felt the need to apologize for taking care of me. And my conviction allowed my friends and family to not feel like their choices were either depriving me or tempting me which FREED them to make the choices that gave them the most pleasure. I didn't judge, I didn't proselytize, I didn't whine and my centered behavior allowed them to indulge or enjoy in whatever manner they wanted - which allowed me to indulge and enjoy them.

100 days. A little more than 3 months. 14 weeks and 2 days. Who knew so much growth and learning could occur in so little time?

And, for those who need numbers: I have dropped 9 BMI points, 45.5 pounds, 4 sizes, and received numerous compliments on my new hair cut*. :)

*many people are able to notice that something is different when someone loses weight, but are not able to understand that weight is gone, so they tout it up to a new haircut.

Vacation NSV's - It *can* be done!

I got back yesterday from a FABULOUS vacation. I visited some friends and family in Southern California and then met up with some friends in Las Vegas. Most of these people haven't seen me in more than a year. All of them have known me for more than 25 years. Over the years they have seen me in my wedding dress, graduation gown, various swim suits, club clothes, etc. They love me for who I am, and because they love me, they want me healthy and around for at least 25 more years. Some of my friends and family, like me, have tried every diet under the sun, (except Medifast, I am the first to do this one). A couple of times I had to share a bite of this or that MF packet; a lot of the time I just got to be happy that I could do things that I wouldn't have been able to do 4 months ago. Like:

• Sit on a plane comfortably; I not only didn't need an extension, I had to cinch it in. ;)
• One friend looked at me and said, "You look good." I said thanks. Then she looked me up and down and said, "No really, You look GOOD. What are you doing?" heh heh. :)
• Walk for MILES in Las Vegas - literally. I wore my fitbit and one day we logged 9.5 miles because we walked the entire strip. TWICE. plus a lot of the escalators were broken/out of service. Which brings me to;
• Climb flights of stairs without huffing and puffing. Even after a day of walking.
• Do the Dance Revolution game with my friend who MINORED IN DANCE in college, for 40+ minutes. and hold my own.
• SAVE TONS OF MONEY - because although MF might be expensive, it is extremely cheap compared to eating out in Las Vegas.
• Chase and play with my nieces (who are 7 and 3); and chase and play with my friend's boys who are 8, 8, and 9.
• Feel comfortable in a swimsuit. Actually, my swimsuit was a little worrisome because I have lost so much weight since I bought it that I was afraid it would fall off. I ended up leaving it and not bringing it back with me. And it was practically new. Oh well.
• Ride in our excursion flight over Hoover Dam and the Grand Canyon. When my husband first mentioned it, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to go because of my weight. But no worries! And we had a grand time!
• Go to a buffet and not feel bloated when I left. I was able to *not* focus on getting my money's worth and instead just ate what was my on plan option for the day.
• Love the pictures we all took rather than lament about how I looked!

So, when people wonder: Can I stay on plan on vacation? I scoff. OF COURSE I can! That was my biggest NSV. I had one meal that had more fat than I should have. And I had two meals that had some sort of sauce on my protein and I had one day when I didn't get all 3 of my greens. Other than that, and the fact that I couldn't measure a thing, I stayed on plan. I have been playing a game where I eyeball my protein and veggies at home, and THEN I put them on my plate on the scale. So, I have had practice figuring out what appropriate servings are. I figure I did very well. I logged my food every day. I tracked my exercise using my fitbit.

After our particularly grueling day of walking 9.5 miles and 20 flights of stairs, one of my friends was complaining about how much her feet hurt. And I jokingly asked, "You mean you didn't train for vacation?" But inside, I knew that that was exactly what I've been doing - training for this vacation. And this morning, I was rewarded with a scale victory of 4 pounds gone. FOUR POUNDS GONE. ON VACATION! That is a non-scale victory AND a scale victory all wrapped up in one big big huge package. 

So, as of my weigh in this morning, I have lost 41.5 pounds and am in a new "decade". This is what staying on program will do for you. :)

Touchstone for Health

Saturday I go on vacation. I am going to visit my grandmother, some college friends and then other college friends. As I go through this MF journey, I find myself wondering certain things: why is it so hard for me to keep an exercise routine? Why do I eat healthily for a while and then stop? When and why do I start letting my portion sizes creep? How come I can't just naturally make good choices? Why is it ALWAYS so much work? And always when these questions pass through my brain I think of my grandmother and wonder, Why can't I have been more like she is/was?

Until about 10 years ago, my grandmother had the same routines. She got up at dawn (in Southern California that generally was between 6 and 6:30), brushed her teeth, combed her hair and got dressed in her walking clothes. She would then walk the dog(s) from her house down to the beach, down the beach and back to the house. All told about 5 or 6 miles. She would then cut up about a cup and a half of the fruit that she purchased at the Farmers Market and make herself a weakish cup of tea (four dunks of a Lipton's bag if it was the first time, let it sit for 2 minutes if it was the second use), add about half a teaspoon of sugar and then sit down to eat her fruit and drink her tea while she read the paper(s) cover to cover. She has read the LA Times, the Wall Street Journal, The San Diego Union Tribune for ever and recently she added the New York Times. If she was feeling particularly peckish, she would scramble AN egg. Then she would get dressed and begin the rest of her day.

During the day, she would do some sort of community work (not important towards eating/exercising, but was huge for her mental health). If she had my brother and I visiting, she might take us out to lunch, where she would order a salad, eat half and then apologetically tell the waiters, "I just can't eat it all." If we weren't there, or even most of the time when we were, she would eat half a sandwich or some of the protein left over from the previous night's meal. She'd probably spend an hour weeding or swimming in the afternoon as well, especially if we were there and she had to be outside keeping an eye on us.

She would shower and change just before starting dinner. Dinner ALWAYS had a protein, a red or yellow vegetable, a green vegetable and often a starch. She would have one drink before dinner but it was mostly water with a splash of scotch for color - she called them empty calories. When serving dinner, she would make sure she got only half a serving of the starch, and the smallest portion of the protein. She might load up on the veggies though, especially the bottom of the salad bowl. And she didn't approve of double types of fat on things - butter OR sour cream, but not both. 

So, when I think of all this, I wonder: WHY DIDN'T I END UP LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER? I had this person who exemplified healthy living - fruits and veggies, limited alcohols and fats, hardly any real sugars, lean proteins and lots of exercise. The recipes she gave me on my 25th birthday hardly need to be modified at all for MF. Why did I choose someone else as my role model? Why not her?

At least I am learning to use her now. It is my mantra, "What would Tutu do?"

Tired Stomach

This morning I awoke at 4 am having to pee. Generally, I remember to stay engaged in my dream and don't have a problem going back to sleep, but today I forgot and started thinking. I did this yesterday, too. Yesterday, was ok. I started chatting with the East Coast MFers and then went into my typical routine at my typical times. This morning, I was still exhausted but I could not fall back asleep - too many things to think about and, it being a Saturday - the MF community didn't get going as early.

Around 5:30, I started having this gnawing ache in my middle. Just horrid. So very reminiscent of super hunger. Before MF, I would get up and eat a little something and go back to bed.  But this morning, I remember, "This is Tired Stomach, not hunger." And I lay there working through it. 

Back in my teens my high school sweetheart and I were generally separated by hundreds of miles - he had gone off to college. This was before the internet. Or cell phones. or FaceBook. So when he came home, each night after I was in for curfew, we would talk into the wee hours of the morning until one of us (usually him) fell asleep. And then I would have to wake up at regular time the next morning for school. I would be so tired. So tired that my stomach would hurt.

For years, I would recognize Tired Stomach for what it was. Not hunger, just a need for some more sleep. But somewhere along the way, about 10 years ago, I started interpreting it as hunger. I would get up and snack a little - some string cheese, a couple of nuts. A spoon of the left-overs from the previous night's meal. And this habit morphed into full-blown middle of the night snacking. "It's ok, you are hungry, your body needs more fuel." "It's ok, if you eat a little something, you can just go back to sleep." "It's ok..." One night I ate a whole pint of sludge. I had lost touch with the signals my body gave me. 

This morning, I practiced paying attention. I recognized my feelings for what they were and did not get up and eat a little something. I am slowly slowly reconnecting with my body and what the signals it gives me mean.

Waste those "Ups"

When I was little (and truth be told, to this day), anytime I would get up from the table after a meal, my mom would say, "Don't waste an up!" and hand them her glass to fill with water or her plate to take to the sink. If I was going to my room, she'd say, "Don't waste an up" and hand me my laundry to take with me. (BTW, my sister-in-law sees it for what it is, and calls it "Waiting on your mom hand and foot." But, as a kid, I just thought we were being efficient.)

I got very good at being efficient with my movements. Today, when I come home from the grocery store, I don't take multiple trips to bring the bags in. I grab them all at once; I would rather load myself up than to take multiple trips. At work, I hold all the sensitive papers in a single pile to take with me to the burn barrel at one time at the end of the day - because it is on my way out. I don't go to the printer for every little print, I wait until after I've printed multiple documents. If I've forgotten to bring a napkin out when I am eating, and my husband is still in the kitchen, I ask him to bring me one. But all these little "efficiencies" are robbing me of activity and maintaining my sedentary lifestyle.

So, I've started practicing inefficiency. I no longer wait for the end of the day to take stuff to the shred box/burn barrel - I run up and down those stairs when something needs to go there. I admit: I am still working on going to the printer multiple times. And every time I hear my mother's admonition in my head "Don't waste an up", I get a little smug and waste a little more. And the big doozy that happens more and more often these days: I no longer get annoyed when I walk in a room and get there and have forgotten why I came. I smile and consider it another opportunity for activity. I am PLEASED to walk back to where I started, remember what I wanted and head back to the other room again.

Secrets to 5&1

This morning I opened up Facebook and was met with the following image: 
When I first started, I thought I understood this. I had so much faith that MF would work, but there were big parts of me that knew I had done "big name diets" before and was successful with them for a while and then it stopped being successful. Doing the same thing every day did not get me the same results. So, then I would try to game the system. Eat a little more some days, a little less others, to "fool my body". And that would work for a little while, and then I would just have too many days of eating a little more. Or I would fool myself into believing that I was really good at guesstimating how much a serving was. And that sludge was part of the plan. And that I could earn it by exercising a little more. And, then the scale would move in the other direction. And I would lose faith in the plan. And I would quit.
But here's the thing I am learning on MF: I am learning that I can do the same thing every day and expect the same results. Maybe not always immediately - some weeks feel like the scale never moves and others the scale drops by leaps and bounds, but I have faith that it will eventually move in a consistently downward spiral. I am perfectly satisfied not tweaking anything. But I have to be willing to work. Last night I was at a NYE party and the hosts BOTH asked me if I wanted a drink, or a little bite, or a little bit of X. Multiple times. Even after I had told them that I was on a diet and that I chose to stay that way. Even after I had told them that I had lost 33 pounds. Even after I said that I liked the way I was feeling. Even after they said that they would support me, but... So, I had to work all night long to exercise my "NO" muscle. "No thank you." "No thank you." "I am perfectly fine having you tell me how it tastes without having first hand knowledge." "Not this year" (mind you that last one was accompanied with a mental "or any year"). 

I don't know why people feel the need to "help" me decide which choices will get me to healthy. I guess because I am fat, they figure I clearly don't have the skills to be trusted to choose on my own. Or perhaps they don't want me to feel left out. Or perhaps they want their own choices to be validated. Or perhaps they figure that I have been successful so a little break won't stop my progress. I truly believe that they care for me and wouldn't consciously sabotage me. 

 But it will. I've done that before. Not with MF, but with other diet plans. As soon as I allow myself to vary it, even the tiniest little bit, I lose a little conviction and a little momentum. And then the next time becomes even easier. 

So. For me. I need to give myself the biggest gift of all. Consistency and work. This is the magic wand I was looking for.